God certainly knows what he is doing!

I shared at the end of my last post how hard it is to be in the position to wait to be needed.  You know how sometimes you just beg God for a view from above to "get it"?  Well, today I got a bit of a view.

We had been presented to a birth family a while back - we have been presented to at least three that we know of in the last four months - and there were only two families presented.  It seemed like a good chance, right?  Well, I follow lots of blogs, and I recognized when I read one of the blogs, that they were obviously the other family and had been selected by the birth family (we knew the place, baby's sex, due date, diagnosis, etc).  I went through a bit of time trying so hard to not be jealous of them, praying that God would grant me the spirit of peace about it, that there were reasons, and this child was not the one who needed us.  But it was hard.  At times my arms ache more than I think I can tolerate, the helpless feeling totally overwhelms me and I just want to DO SOMETHING!!!!  But, I was able to follow their journey and see photos of the baby.  

Well, today I was checking in on their blog.  This baby is in the hospital several states from here, has been from birth and it looks like he will be for at least another month.  The parents are traveling back and forth, switching off with their crew at home and their son in the NICU.  Oh, my!  And we are even farther away!!!  We would do exactly the same thing, but the stress!!!  The needs of our kids, the financial stress of the travel and all, the entire situation.  

I literally felt like God was saying "This would be so very difficult on your family, this would be too much.  This child and situation is not for you.  I have a better plan that is better for all ten in your family."  The peace I got was finally the peace I had begged for.  This was not our plan or our walk.  The weight off my shoulders, the feelings of envy were totally gone.  I could see the big picture.  We were not chosen for God's good and divine reason, his plans for the best for us.  Not that we could not find a way to do what needed to be done, but it was not our walk (and I was so relieved).  I have prayed for that family, but now I pray for them with an entirely new outlook and heart.  I don't know how they do it.  I don't know how we could possibly do it.  We couldn't move all of us there, we have the farm, the kids need me here, on and on.  I know that God could create a way.  I KNOW that he would if he called us to it, but today, I am so grateful that he didn't.

I still have arms that ache and an empty crib, but I know that my dearest Lord knows what is best for us, for all of us, and won't let us rush into something that would be harmful or not his plan for our growth.  I am at peace with that. 

And still waiting for the phone to ring with "the CALL", but I am trusting that God has his plan for our family.  

So, we are redecorating (in a very simple and functional way), enjoying our youngest daughter's 11th birthday today - now we officially have four 11 year olds! - and trying to continue our fundraising, decluttering, visiting resale shops (to drop things off), and enjoying life.  We have had some little visitors and really learned a lot and solidified what we believe in about child rearing, and have enjoyed it.  I hope we have been a blessing to the little visitors and we sure were blessed.
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11