I am happy.
In the midst of what should be the darkest, it isn't the darkest, because there is a lot going on and a lot I have learned and I also am not alone.
And I am thankful.
I have peace. Real peace. It has been hard fought. And some days are much better than others. But I know WHO I trust in and WHO I thank. God is good. On good days, God is good. On bad days, God is good. In the night, God is good. In the day, God is good. In the storm, God is good. In the sunshine, God is good.
I could list all the losses and all the pain. Today I am estranged from most (NOT ALL) of my family. I am literally sitting in jail. I don't know what the future will hold (and I am someone who always wants a plan). I don't know if we will be able to save our home.
God is there. He has given me the greatest treasure in my husband, a treasure I may not deserve, but I will spend the rest of my life working to be sure he knows that I am very blessed to be walking through life with him. I have peace in my heart, for the first time in a long time. I have a lot to learn in walking that road, but I am also letting go of what does not bring me peace. I am learning to walk in that peace. I know that God loves me, that He has forgiven me, I know that His grace and mercy is new every day. I know that in each day, in each circumstance, there is something to be grateful. I can honestly say - I am learning this and at times learning it the hard way, but seeing it better and better each day. I know that I will never be perfect and it is time to stop striving for that, holding myself to a standard that cannot be accomplished. God created me, He knows the flaws I carry, and HE can USE those flaws. I never understood that. I know He knows that He and I are always working on me, but even so, HE is able to use those flaws for His good. I have learned to trust in that. That alone is a scary thing. I know that He does have plans for us, and if we will allow Him, He will work with us. I will forever be the clay, under construction, flawed. But, I am still breathing, which means I still have life and purpose. I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who does. I will rest in that, and remember to enjoy every second He gives me in every circumstance He gives me. I hope to shine His light in my very imperfect life, to reflect glimmers of Him in my brokenness. It is all a mystery to me, but it is a Holy Mystery - this life. I am saved, I am a daughter of the High King. And each person I meet and interact with is also a Child of the King, whether they know it or not. They are precious children of the King of Heaven, and we must treat all as such. We live among princes and princesses of the King, no matter in what guise.
I am thankful for the New Year. For so much. For friends, for family, for my greatest love, for productive work, for a warm bed, for days to come. God is good. All the time. No matter where we lay our head tonight. God's blessings!
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11