Even in the midst, even when I don't believe, You are there and holding me. In the storm, You are there. When I feel all is lost, when I am so bereft, so angry, so hopeless, You are still holding me and secure on Your throne.
Much of the time, I wonder if I have anything left of value for my King, for His Kingdom, any gifts to give. But even in my desperate brokeness, He loves me. As Job said, "I will not curse God". I won't. I will praise Him, even in my fear and pain, and try to hold onto that He will use even this disaster for HIS GLORY. I will admit to holding on my threads at times, to not even being sure that I am still holding on, but praying for Him to hold me when I cannot.
With Every Act of Love
Could I ask for prayers for a woman I have met, who is struggling to find a way in her life, a faith and hope in her broken life, freedom from addiction and fear and depression. Soon she will be out of the confining spaces that give her the boundaries to work through her demons, and will need to do it on her own. She has a new faith, and is trying so hard. Pray for a strong faith support, a church family, and accepting people to help her walk this long road of recovery. We are reading the Bible each day, encouraging each other to keep at it, discussing bits and pieces. In so many ways, I am so inadequate to speak God's word into her heart, she has faced things that make me feel like a complete naive woman. So much I know nothing about (and really don't want to, thank the Lord), how do I speak hope to that pain? Please pray for her.
Wait for a Miracle
Danny Gokey's testimony
I listened to this and just sobbed. He spoke so clearly and completely about coming through his darkness, and I can so relate. I have spent a great deal of time with grief, with railing at God, with wanting to simply die to escape the pain. To hear it in someone else's voice and words spoke balm and healing. I agree with letting go, letting go of the toxicity and the need to understand. He speaks very well on this, and better than I could. It is hard, oh so hard. Especially for someone, like him and I, who have grown up in the faith, who have attempted in our very imperfect ways to follow the Lord, with errors and sins, but striving, to let go of what we cannot yet see. We may never see it this side of heaven, but I so hope that God can somehow use me for His good at some point. This is darkness I walk through. I have come through so far, even when I didn't want to. God always had someone there to keep me going. And at times, maybe it was simply the warm fuzzy body of my dog. But that was also God holding me. I can clearly say, that I am not out of my valley, and some days despair threatens to overwhelm. But if all I have is to give God every breath and what little I have to others, then that is what I must do. Long ago, when I agreed to follow God, and with each challenge turned it over to Him, accepting what sacrifice might be needed to fulfill His will, THIS, in my life, was never even a breath of a thought that crossed my mind. I promised to go where He sent me. THIS is most certainly NOT where I wanted to go, or what I thought it might be. But, I have to trust that somehow this is His Hand, still in control to use all our failings and pain. I recall Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane asking that if "this cup to pass from me", but with the next breath accepting it if it was God's will. If even Jesus asked that this hardship be taken from Him, then most certainly we can also. But in the next breath, to accept God's will. That is truly the hard part, and we are human and very very fallible.
It is Well With My Soul
This hymn was written after traumatic events in Horatio G. Spafford's life. The first was the 1871 Great Chicago Fire which ruined him financially (he had been a successful lawyer and had invested significantly in property in the area of Chicago which was decimated by the great fire). His business interests were further hit by the economic downturn of 1873 at which time he had planned to travel to Europe with his family on the SS Ville du Havre. In a late change of plan, he sent the family ahead while he was delayed on business concerning zoning problems following the Great Chicago Fire. While crossing the Atlantic, the ship sank rapidly after a collision with a sea vessel, the Loch Earn, and all four of Spafford's daughters died. His wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, "Saved alone . . .". Shortly afterwards, as Spafford traveled to meet his grieving wife, he was inspired to write the words to the now famous hymn as his ship passed near where his daughters had died.
This was a song that I was introduced to following our Sammy's death, in the midst of my profound grief and despair, the voices and musical skills of several of my beloveds presented it at a church service. Out of the fog of that time, that song spoke to me so heavily and became my anthem at that time. In my pain and confusion, it was a strength, and to have heard it for the first time from those loved ones spoke so profoundly, God truly used them as a balm to my hurting heart. I find it is also quite appropriate now. I wish I could keep all this music going around me 24/7 as it is so healing and strengthening, but I am finding that it persists in my mind and heart and I can more easily turn to it for comfort and connection even when I cannot hear it audibly. Ah, I so wish I had a voice worthy of singing it!! LOL. I only do that when I am alone. Kindness to others and all, ya know?
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11