A life of love

A life of love
Everyone should have a Great Pyrenees

Friday, September 12, 2008

A few things...

Hi all,
In my bleary, tired mind, it had appeared that I haven't blogged much lately (though I have several that I read pretty much every day), and maybe now was the time to do it. So, please forgive me if this isn't the most logical one that I have ever done, though generally they all seem to ramble however I am feeling that particular day - isn't that what this is kind of for?

First of all, we had the coolest night. Steve was singing with Swingin' Angels at Christ the Rock Church in Neenah. This group just rocks - it a big band style worship band. There are 18 people in the band, and most of them are all brass! Talk about fun! They do a lot of Denver and the Mile High Orchestra stuff, which Steve has been singing for years and just loves. Tonight it was more of a worship lineup and another singer did the Denver stuff. But wow, it was just wonderful. And it was perfect timing for me, as I have been wrestling with God over a few issues lately (wait, no, me, being opinionated and expressing it?? Notice the heavy sarcasm). I had reached a point the other day where I just asked God for peace with whatever the outcome in one of the situations was to be. Just peace with it as we walked that road, again. And I have to say, it has lessened some of my obsessiveness with said situation (wait, me, let go of something, instead of hanging on like a tiny bull terrier??? Again, heavy sarcasm). Needless to say, I tend to be tenacious (or as my mom might say, stubborn as all get out). So, for me it was huge to have some of that burden released. Not to say that it leaves my mind much, but at least the intensity isn't there. So, for that I am grateful.

Anyway, the focus on the night was straight worship, and I didn't realize how much I needed that. And the plus being that I got to see my hunky husband singing away, well that just really topped it off. He is amazing, and I love it when he really gets to show his gifts, it is just amazing. The only thing that tops that is when Kiley got up with him (and a couple other kids - but I really wasn't watching them, I mean it was my kid) to help lead a Wednesday night worship. Maybe that makes it sound more impressive than it was, but get this, there was the four adult worship leaders (and the band) and then four kids, three of whom were from the kids' worship team. Kiley isn't on said team because she hasn't really expressed an interest, though for every drama and choir performance she tries out and has had a couple solos and dramatic parts (imagine that, those of you who know Kiley - her in a dramatic part - again, heavy sarcasm, maybe I shouldn't blog when I'm tired). Anyway point being, Kiley ended up standing next to her dad on the platform as they helped lead worship. I don't think there were many people quite as emotional as I was that night - by the way, I did get a video camera, so have it on tape! It was a crystal moment for me as a mom, especially given that Kiley can be the most trying of the kids, as well as very amazing.

So, it was a great night, and I really felt like maybe I set some things to rest. If you ever want to see Swingin' Angels perform, they will be at the Cup 'O Joy in Green Bay on Friday, October 24th at 7:00 (but get there early if you want a seat). And Steve will be doing some of the best Denver songs - we are hoping he will be singing the "Frosty the Bluesman" song - a take on Frosty the Snowman that is absolutely hysterical. I guarantee that our whole crew will be there!

I am finding that life has an interesting way of taking you places you never thought you would be. I am going to throw this out there for anyone who might be a young married couple and thinking about this: we made the decision nearly nine years ago that we were done having children. Yeah, we have since changed our minds. At that point we had said that if we changed our minds, that we would foster and or adopt. Well we have done both, and it was far from easy to do either. Whether we could do either again is open for consideration, but some debate given the size of our family. And it is hard, from a financial spot (don't have $20,000 lying around) and an emotional spot (losing a child who has been with us for quite some time, to never see again, is more painful that one can even imagine, and it isn't the same as a death, the child could still be in harms way or missing you, or whatever). So, while we know that we could RAISE another child, our options to do so, even for a child who needed us, isn't simple or certain. We had realized a few years ago that maybe we hadn't looked at the whole picture the right way. In our culture (to quote someone who I always forget, so I apologize for not being able to give you the author) we have some things backward: The Bible calls debt a curse and children a blessing, but in our culture we apply for a curse and reject blessings - Steve got it - it is by Doug Phillips at Vision Forum. So, we rejected blessings that we might have had, or might not have had, and now, a few years down the road, life is different than when we made that decision, and we wish we could take it all back. There is no way to know ahead of time where life will take you. Should we mess with God's hand? Did we by the vasectomy? Some folks would say yes, some would say no. We came to believe that we had interfered in something where God knew better. Now, this may be way out on a limb, but I know that we have struggled with loving being parents, loving having a houseful, and wanting more children, whether they were children of our bodies or children of our heart. Would the me of today have done what we did then - no. But there are lots of things in life that I would change too, so that is neither here nor there. But I guess what I would counsel the younger me (and anyone who would care to want to know what I thought on this subject) that permenant sterilization, because it is permanent, is not the only option, or necessarily the right one. Had we waited just a bit longer, even a year after our youngest was born (instead of one month) we would never have done what we did. And now, we really feel that we have interfered in God's plan for us. The consequence is that while we so desperately want another child, it may not happen. We did (be prepared to gasp if you don't already know) travel to a doctor who specializes in reversals, and Steve got a reversal (he is an amazing man, and no, I didn't ask him to). That was more than six months ago. It has been a long six months and I agonize each and every month. And I worry about my age and if we can any more and on and on. So, anyway, this may be more information than you want to know, but I just really had a need to share, maybe with someone out there - please don't do something permanent. You may find that God had a different plan. What we know today (about ourselves, our desires, etc) may be different in two years, three years, or even less, or maybe longer. I am not some crazy nut, but I know our experience, and I cannot take it back. I know of too many men and women who have come to regret that decision. It is interesting when the topic comes up how many folks share that hidden pain.

On that note, I got my first "condolences" of the rude sort. I was in the dentist office - they know very well how many kids we have as they see all of us, and I usually have to bring everyone when we go - getting my check up. Well, they wanted to do x-rays and I told them no, that there was a chance I could be pregnant. They asked if it was my first (dentist must have had brain freeze at the moment) and I said, no this would be number six. To which he replied that then he didn't know if congratulations were in order or condolences. My response was a somewhat incoherent something or other to the effect that we would be thrilled to find out we were expecting. What a dope! Me and him - where are the good comebacks when you need them!!! So, whatever. Just imagine me running around town with all the kids and a big belly! LOL! Like we don't attract enough attention as it is!!! (And just so you know, the jury is still out on the whole pregnancy thing. How you can be three days to a week and a half late - I got fed up with all the counting last month, so sort of lost track - anyhow, how that can be true and the pregnancy test read negative I don't know. I know it is still wishful thinking that maybe I am really pregnant, and not just weird, and have faulty tests. Whatever. Breathe in and out, I will find out soon enough, I guess. I just try not to obsess. Hah!)

Oh, and also, if you could just send up some prayers, we have had another event occur that we have been waiting for for years, it is good stuff, but some relationship building is going on, all very good, but we would really appreciate all prayers for this early stage in this. Rejoice with us, we may or may not share, but it is all good!

Well, I hope you all had a good night. Please pray for the folks in the path of this hurricane, and I have a special unspoken request for someone dear to me, if you could just send it up, God knows. Life can be hard, I don't get it, I know God is in it, but sometimes it is hard to see.

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