Spring growth

Today I sit and wonder where I am going. My pastor likes to say that God doesn't speak to him, he shuts the doors to the room, lights it on fire, and opens a window. That is the only way to go - it is so clear! LOL! I don't think I said it with the finesse that he does, but whatever. This morning I found out I goofed up something at work last night. I haven't made this mistake in all the years I have been working, but now it has got me wondering if I had and just didn't know it. You know how that kind of thing makes you question everything. What am I doing? Am I really doing a good job? Should I be doing this anymore?

I only work on call, a couple hours here and there, so I am home with the kids. And I have to admit that I was quite distracted last night - Kiley had been low before we left home, and hadn't really wanted to eat as much as I would have wanted to know that she would be safe at the park across the street. The kids love to play on the playground while I am working. Generally an hour and a half, and they know right where to find me if they need me, and with five of them together, and their ages, I don't really worry. But I did and was checking out the window at them several times, counting their flying bodies as they played. Maybe I shouldn't have been working? Maybe this is the wrong place if I cannot get my head into the game. See how this makes me question everything? I hate that.

I am reading a devotional by Joyce Meyer based upon her book "Battlefield of the Mind". I know some of these questions are legitimate and some are directly from Satan, maybe all of them. So, I have to go in and put things right. That is the only thing to do. And I really don't want to. I want to cancel it all and hide in a hole and say that it is all done. That is clearly from Satan. So, I won't. I will go in, explain myself as best as I can, and fix things. I know that I will feel better when it is done, but I really, in my heart of hearts just want to throw in the towel. That is the coward's way out. Ugh. I know that I will be glad that it is fixed and God will use it.

On to other things, just had to sort of get that out of my head.

How do we know where we are supposed to be in life? I don't know. I still struggle with not saying that I am a speech language pathologist. I am, I was, but I don't do much of that outside the home right now. I don't want to lose it, but don't know how to keep it. I am needed so much more here at home, even though at times it feels like basically for cooking, cleaning, washing, teaching. This is where I am needed, and I am using my skills here every day! But it isn't a recognized "profession" and I don't contribute to the financial part of the household, except by hopefully being a wise and frugal steward (and I am impulsive, so some days, not so much). I love the work that I do/did, but that is not where I am now. I don't know that I will ever be there again. Should I use my skills to create products for the field? I don't know. I seem to be specializing in English as a second language right now! LOL! Obviously I don't need to be outside the house! I just don't know. And so I am writing. I know that this is a calling (but what if I fail, what if no one likes it, on and on, you know the drill, we all doubt ourselves), and it is something I try on. The bottom line is that I am needed here. With the six people entrusted to me by God. Not by my selfish desires, want for glory or recognition, or anything else. There are times that I do feel that I labor in the dark, and I do, but God sees it all.

I am watching my peonies and daylilies starting to come up. Spring is a time of renewal. It is a time when all does as God created them to do. Now if I can just keep the sheep away from them! I wish I was kidding, but the new lamb is not yet back in the pasture with the others, so I have a mama sheep and a lamb walking around the yard. But the dogs are on the side of the house by the flowers, so the sheep seem to keep away. Anyway, we are planning our garden, starting seeds in homemade mini greenhouses, and dreaming of summer. I love spring! Perhaps our lives have a time of spring too - a time where we can feel that all is in sync with what is God's plan. I felt that as we went through the adoption process with our Ethiopian sons. The impossible became possible and we were in line and it was so clear. And it continues to be so right that they are here, never a doubt, even when they make me crazy (don't all kids?). But that huge driving of the impossible has settled to the day to day. It is RIGHT, but it is a much slower pace. I feel like a plant, waiting to come out from the ground for spring. I am stretching and reaching, but cannot see the light yet. I know that I have purpose and am doing it, but cannot feel the sun showing me that I am there. The last year and a half, I felt that sun, knew that I was growing in the light. Now we have spent time in dormancy, establishing and knitting together as a seed underground in the winter. And I want that wonderful growing that I felt before. I know that I can feel the warmth, I know that it is there, I just cannot decide which way is up today. I know God has more in store. I know it is there, and I want it. I want to be part of his plan, but today... Today I am that plant, under the ground, under the pebble, not quite sure where I am going, which way is up. I know God has more in store for me. I just don't know what it is.