A great quote...

I love this quote (not sure who said it):
"She is secure in knowing that she's not a replacement, but a finisher of a race for someone who, for whatever reason, could not run any longer."

That is how we feel about parenting our kids. All of them. We started the race for three of them, but are honored to be finishing the race for five of them. We really do try to honor the kids first moms and dads and talk about them when the kids want to. It is a fine line, honoring, but allowing the kids to revel in their current lives. Some families do ceremonies to honor birth moms, we will have to think about it. Two of my kids don't recall their moms, they died when the kids were very young, one doesn't know anything of the father, and they all have histories and stories that are wonderful and painful, each in turn. But, as their parents, we are very comfortable with being their parents NOW, and not having been their parents earlier. It isn't threatening, thank goodness. Not for us, at least today. Feelings change, I am sure!

It has been a rough couple days. We are trying to get the new bathroom done so our homestudy can be signed off on. And our plumber has dragged us along for over a month, and after the awful work he has done in the last week, we fired him last night. So now we are back at square one. Sigh.

Finishing the homestudy just feels like one of those things we have to do, to close this chapter in our lives. We aren't convinced that God wants to do anything with it, but we just really want it finished and completed. Then God can do with it as he will.

So, if you know an plumber who would love to help out an adoptive family (meaning being reasonable priced and letting us help as we can to speed things along) please contact us!

The Present

God has given us all a present. It is the present.

No matter what our past, no matter the current or past hurts. No matter what.

We can choose to embrace the gifts from God, or we can choose not to.

I watch this with my adopted children. They all have past hurts that brought them to be adopted. Now, God has given them a family. They can choose to embrace it or not. As a parent, my job is to show them the beauty of embracing all the gifts, of looking for the silver lining in those clouds. I cannot make them choose it, but I can work to teach them and show them the beauty. And at some point I have to not take it personally if they choose to not embrace those gifts at times. I have to let them learn from their actions.

That is the hard part. Really hard.

Let me add, that this pertains to all my children, not just those born into our hearts but not through our bodies. I look at Kiley and see the hurts that she has endured with her chronic illness. That could scar her if she let it, just as my adopted kiddos' pasts could scar them. She needs to make the same choices. Alex and Faith have spent years living with this disease that at times totally places them secondary as we work to keep their sister healthy. There are times that they are not the priority because at the time, saving Kiley’s life is. I wish it didn’t sound so dramatic, but it has been at times. There are times they themselves have helped to save their sister from her disease. All three times we have had to call the rescue squad, Alex has called them, starting at age 10. My heart breaks for them. It could scar them just as my other kiddos histories could scar them.

And maybe that is the blessing that we keep teaching. Everyone has something. Everyone. Or someday they will. No one is immune. So, you can either move forward and embrace the gifts, or you can leave them still closed, sitting in a corner.

I lost my father as a child. My mother remarried when I was an adult. The gift to me was the wonderful love my stepfather has for my mother, the way he cares for her, and extra special is the love he has lavished on my children and my family. That is the blessing. I choose to embrace that gift totally. I could spend the rest of my life wallowing in the loss of my father and all that I would like for him to be part of now, or I can embrace what I do have, which is truly an amazing gift, more than I could ever ask for.

Yes, I have a loss. But it has brought me gifts if I will choose to see them. Perhaps empathy with my children who have lost a parent and come to us through adoption. Perhaps as I have walked with others through their own losses, I just have experiences that make it a gift, even if I don’t know it all.

So, how do I help my children learn to embrace the gifts they do have? It is a frustrating struggle sometimes. It is very hard to watch them learn things the hard way. To watch them miss out by choice. But the gift is when they do join in, when they do make steps forward, when they show signs of healing. This is a very long journey with them, with each child, no matter how they came to us. But there are gifts with each step, with each frustration. Sometimes it needs to be searched for very hard.

The child who after 2 ½ years is still struggling with the same phonics, no matter how I present it, all the various ways we have tried it. That is the negative. The positive is the hope for him, how hard he works at it, the rejoicing in each little step, and maybe some days, the patience I am being taught.

The child who can’t quite bring themselves to truly enter in, who appears moody, and at times simply apart. The gift is the moments when that child enters in, the laughter, oh so sweet because there are times it is totally absent, the joy when the child completely interacts with us.

The financial struggles at times, - they remind us so of what is really important and how wealthy we truly are. And when the car bill has been paid, the quarterly gas bill paid, my annual work dues paid, well the relief at knowing that we got it done. Hard work equals our life. It is all worth it. And what we see as financial struggle is generally minor discomfort, not true struggle. I have enough food in the house to feed us for at least a month without need for much of anything outside our larder – maybe not always our favorite meals, but healthy nutritious meals to fill the bellies of all ten of us! That is wealth. So many people in the world cannot do that. It is crazy wealthy, the rest is all minor passing inconvenience or the sacrifices we make for our family.

And the best gift of all, the most eternal. The love of our Saviour, His sacrifice that we can never deserve. That is the basis for all that we do. Our good works can never save us, only the true grace of the Lord. But also, “faith without works is dead”. If we believe in our salvation, it simply must change how we live. And that isn’t always comfortable, but I have seen God do amazing miracles in lives all around me, stretching people into places they never dreamed of, and along with it, into amazing richness!

Expectations and value

Hi,
This post was written in response to an email a friend sent me about "helicopter parenting". I feel like I really can comment on this with some amount of respect as many people have approached my husband and myself in public and commented on our children's behavior. We were just discussing it last night. We generally have been approached by total strangers two to three times a week in the last month. Clerks in stores, people in waiting rooms at doctor's offices, people in restraunts. It has really gotten us quite surprised because our kids behavior is far from perfect, but we are seeing a consistent response in public. Perhaps other parents just don't expect or train considerate and appropriate behavior.

Anyway, the post about helicopter parents today got me thinking and I just started jotting out our expectations and values. I sent it back to the friend who had sent me the email. And decided that I would post it here.

I don't think we are strange. I think we are working hard to do the best for our kids and family. It isn't rocket science and we certainly find that we make many mistakes, and I expect that there will be many more. As I type this I hear boys in the "boys dormitory" upstairs banging around and playing when they are supposed to be getting dressed - I am sure getting dressed is part of the equation, but not the only part! LOL! Kids are kids, we are all on a journey, but we are doing it together.

So, here were my comments:

Basically:

Allow your child to suffer the natural consequences of their actions.

Expect responsibility and good behavior. Have consequences for lapses in either.

Don't give them big ticket (or even small ticket) items that they did not earn - these things are not needed! They are poorer for just "getting them", they are richer for having earned them and worked hard.

Allow them to get the grades they earn. Help, but don't do their work for them or put word in their mouths!

Your family is a TEAM, and that means that each and every person in the family (no matter how big or small) contributes significantly to the success of the family - by doing something meaningful to help the family each and every day, and even better if it is several things! The last thing our kids need is to be waited and and feel useless or "non-contributing". The best thing for them is to know that they can make life better for everyone, that what they do helps or hurts everyone, that they can influence how their family life is.

Do things as a FAMILY. If someone is gifted in sports, then the family gets involved - the child isn't just shuttled there - and the child contributes to help earn the fees for the sports, or does something meaningful to compensate for the sacrifice of the family financially (it is not just GIVEN). Gifts need to be valued, by everyone. If someone is a gifted musician, then the rest of the family can help backstage, or with other folks kids while rehearsals go on, or with set up, AND simply enjoy and value the gift!

Limit electronics time. Don't let it take over real life - kids should be outside playing, playing games, having creative play - with parents and with siblings and friends. Real life projects, whatever, but not staring at a shiny box.

When friends spend hours on a social net work and complain that they are bored, your child should really be thinking "get a life - get off your butt and do something!". They should not be at loose ends every minute of every day. They should know how to set goals, to work on projects, to experience life!

When parents have to do things around the house or in the community, get the kids involved. If you are building a shed, even the littlest one can hand you nails, the bigger ones can learn the skills to build the entire thing if they do it along with you! If you are baking a pie - get a child involved! They can help you find things, pour them in - even the smallest child! And soon, before you know it, that child knows how to do it and can bless you, themselves and others with their prowess!

Rarely, rarely, rarely separate the family. Make it infrequent that a child or children does many things away from the family. Get involved in their activities. Not to hover, not to protect, but to live life. Don't allow talents and activities to separate the real foundation of our lives - our family. A child who is constantly gone to sleepovers, activities, etc, misses out on the riches of family life. They become not "integral" to the family unit, and really miss out on the learning that they need, and on building relationships. Have friends over to your house, host sleepovers and bonfires, etc.

If a child misbehaves, throws a tantrum, says something mean or hurtful, etc, they have hurt the family unit, even if someone else just overheard it. It hurts and inflicts discomfort on the family. This must be repaid, best through service. If you made us uncomfortable, whatever, then you need to do something kind to the family to repay the pain/discomfort. It brings home that a child's actions afffect more than just them. Kids in society today seem to think that they can blow a gasket and it doesn't hurt anyone. Well, that isn't true.

DO NOT SAY OR DO UNKIND THINGS! Even in play. It isn't funny. Calling names, saying hurtful things, is NOT joking, is not humor. It breaks down relationships, it causes hurt feelings, it separates people. It is so sad to see siblings setting out to hurt each other, or thinking that physical violence (or even inconsiderateness) is acceptable or a joke. It isn't and breaks down the family unit. Who wants to live in that kind of chaos? That should never be heard in the home or in the family unit. It is totally unacceptable and should be treated as such. There is nothing sadder than seeing siblings who don't seem to decide to be kind to each other. That is not respectful, teaches how they will interact with their own families-to-come, is just wrong and parents must not tolerate it. If someone does this, there must be a way to pay back for the misbehavior. Scolding is not enough, kindness must be acted out. Pain must be alleviated. I fully EXPECT my children to be kind and respectful to each other - that is how I want them to treat others and the people we love the most (our family) certainly should be treated better than strangers!!!!! If you hurt someone, you will make it up to them and just the word "sorry" is RARELY enough. Actions carry a message much better.

The worst gifts I can give my children are physical things. The best gifts are the gifts of belonging, being loved, being valued, being needed, being productive, being responsible, being helpful, and being who God has made them to be.

Activities are not the answer, enjoyment and family cohesiveness is. Learning give and take. Learning to treasure each other. Learning appropriate behavior. Learning respect. Learning to be a grown up. Learning that families are the safest place, where we can trust that we are each looking out for each other, that we will treat each other with respect, that we will live in kindness. Activities should involve everyone, not separate the family unit. We can all contribute - I can even contribute to soccer (I am not athletic anymore) by helping the coaches, the other families, entertaining the other younger kids spectators, etc. I can contribute to my husband's and kids' musical gifts by helping backstage, with productions, with set up, with other families, with getting music ready for them (if they ask), by helping to allow us all to enjoy the music, to teach us all to value and respect each other's gifts. Simply by being involved, finding a way for us all to be involved. That teaches respect, value, and love.

Christy

For this child I prayed....

I love this saying. I see it on adorable baby photo frames, decorative plates with little tiny footprints, all over. And each time it makes me mist up.

I think of all eight of our children. I think of how each one came to our family and how each one grew in my heart.

See, the secret is, that although three of our children grew also UNDER my heart (in my womb), each child grew in my heart long before I could touch him or her. In some ways the adoption journey is like the pregnancy journey. You wonder about all sorts of things. What he or she will sound like when you first hear their voice, what things they will like, which family member they will most resemble is some way, what they will grow up to be. All of that. I dream about the three children we are soon to bring home in some of the same ways that I dreamed of my birth children before they were born.

But this time, again, they come to us as little people with developed personalities and history and experiences. These histories can be difficult at times. I cannot tell you the times I have listened to my boys relate experiences that make me just want to cry. No child should have memories of things like that, should have experienced some of what they have experienced.

But, we are so grateful that they are here and work to teach them that they are stronger because of what they experienced. They lived through things, and they have moved on.

To watch them now, to see their strength, their joy, their resilience, and who they are becoming - all of the children, all five that I can currently see, that is the greatest blessing.

No matter whether a child is born into a family and remains in that family, or whether life throws them into a whirlwind and they end up in another family, they are who they are. I want them all to know that they belong, and they do. I watch our birth children struggle with their own issues and know that each child, no matter their history, will have their own set of struggles in life.

If as their parent, I can give them some skills to deal with these struggles in a positive and persistent way, then I think I have given them a good gift. No one is immune from struggles.

I sat with my eldest birth daughter today at yet another endocrinology appointment (diabetes). I was trying to count how many of these we have done in the last six years since her diagnosis. Every three months for six years, would probably put us at about 18, with a couple more added in when she was first diagnosed and seen more often. It becomes routine, but not routine. She was all worked up because she knew that today she would have a blood draw. She only gets these once a year, and we have numbing cream, but she has been working herself up for this for at least a month, knowing it was coming. Most days she doesn't struggle with this chronic issue - it just is what is. But sometimes these appointments really bring home that this isn't normal, that this is difficult, that this really stinks. And we both know that this will likely continue for the rest of her life, though we are praying for a cure. This is what is. She could get hung up on the issue and be wallowing in self pity, but she isn't. She won't. Not that there aren't moments, but they are generally very brief. And we deal with it and move on.

We do this with all the kids. Life happens, crummy stuff happens to everyone. It just does. No one is immune, at least no one I know. So, we need to look for the good stuff. Deal with the bad as much as we must, and then move on. I know one lady who is in her sixties, still mourning for her crummy childhood and complaining about her mother and how things could have been different and how that would have changed her life. Not to say that I don't feel for her experiences and pain, but for heaven's sake, move on! Make good choices, learn from your bad ones, learn from you bad experiences and get out there and make a great today and tomorrow! That is all that we get. At some point we need to say, "yep, that stunk, but I don't want to keep reliving it". We can chose our todays.

For this child I prayed....

For each single one.

That they will be healthy and strong, that they will love deeply and long, that they will make wise choices, thoughtful choices that will lead them to fulfillment and happiness. That they will work hard and be satisfied, no matter what they do. That they will always let their past provide them with a foundation and strength and compassion and love. That they will be faith filled, that they will know the wonders of a true relationship with their Lord. That they will never sell themselves short, that they will try many things, that they will find the true meaning in their life. That they will be kind, giving, loving, and generous people. That people will walk away from meeting them and be blessed. That whatever they do in life, that they will do it to the best of their abilities, no matter what those abilities are. That they will love us as we love them. That we will always be a close family, that we will have those ties that bind lovingly.

Those prayers we say for our unborn babies, those are the same prayers we pray for our children who have come to us through adoption. Those prayers are the same. The children, well, we may not have seen those tiny baby toes, or seen them as little ones learning to walk, but we still prayed for them for each of those things. Those deep prayers of the heart, they are the same.

I looked again at photos of our children in Ethiopia, and just had to say "we have a daughter, we have a son, we have a son". I am still in awe.

Terrified at times, but in awe.

For this child I prayed... For Alex, for Zeri, for Kiley, for Amanuael, for Solomon, for Faith, for Tsion, and for Abenezer. They have all grown in my heart long before I could touch them. For this child I prayed..... And prayed.... And prayed.....

An interesting blog

Hi all,
I follow a bunch of blogs, I have found it to be very addictive and very informative, and came across this posting in one of my favorite bloggers:
Painfull parenting....when you don't 'feel' love for a child.

We face many times when we are asked if we met our children before we adopted them, and what if we decided we didn't like them. It is a question that makes sense and yet doesn't. I get what people are asking. I really do. But, I never met my bio kids before I birthed them and no, I don't always like them. I ALWAYS love them, but I don't always like what we are struggling through, or one has a habit that particularly annoys me some times. Anyway, you get my point. It is the same with our adopted children. God put them in our family. We truly believe that God orchestrated the constellation of our family. And if He did that, well, then, who really cares if I like them. Now, to tell you the truth, I do like them, every last child in my home. Not every minute of every day. Not tonight when two of my sons (I will leave it to you to guess which two - the advantage of having more than two, they get some anonymity) were discovered to be spraying silly string in their bedroom. Did you know that a mother's hearing can correctly identify the sound of spraying silly string from one floor below, even though she had forgotten that there was even any in the house? You have to understand, we have a rule about silly string. It is not allowed to be sprayed in the house. I am not a clean freak, not even close (but for heaven's sake, the house was just absolutely spotless for the homestudy adoption agency to visit us today - let it last more than five hours!!!), but one rule I stick by is that silly string is an outside toy. I have visions of cats, dogs, guinea pigs and siblings covered in the crazy stuff. No thank you, it is easier to clean up outside, thank you very much. A great outside toy, definitely not an inside toy. So, needless to say, Mom was not thrilled with two of her sons. Now, on a positive note, they seem to have learned that honesty goes a long way towards appeasing Mom in any situation - score one! But, ugh. So, I guess Mom is off dish duty for the week - I had better cook a ton and take advantage of it, and my floors will be washed one room at a time for the week. But, there was no yelling, no upset, just stern discussion about the rules (which were known and repeated to us - guess boys just didn't figure in supersonic "mom" hearing) and then some consequences for bad choices (still they maintain that this isn't how the nice brown curtain got silly string on it, but we all know better than that).

So, no, we don't have to like our children all the time, no matter how they came to us. But regardless of how we like them, we always love them. Love is unconditional and it is a verb. No one ever said you had to feel like it! Maybe that is something we are missing in our culture's relationship with love. It is based on feelings rather than doing. How I feel about things is quite often simply irrelevant. What I do is never irrelevant. And many times it is simply a conscious choice.

So, as we prepare to add two more boys to our family constellation, it is good to be reminded that this is a choice. Love is a choice. Because God first loved us, we must love others. Doesn't mean we have to like them. It does mean we have to act on it. I wonder how I will feel about these boys? Right now I have to admit that at times I am scared to death, but what prospective parent isn't, whether through birth or adoption? And I know that this too will pass. I will get to know these wonderful children, children that God made, and is seeing fit to place within our family. What an honor that He would entrust them to us. I hope I can live up to it, but I know that I can do nothing without Him. With Him, I can do anything He has called me to!

What has God called us to?

You know, I never thought I would have something to say that I wanted to say to a ton of people, that I would ever desire to get up in front of however many people would listen to me, and speak my mind.

But, I really want to. First watch this YouTube video.

Okay, now here it is. Anyone who has listened to me before, and there may actually be very few, but it lets me get my mind together and speak what is on my heart. So, here it goes.

I want to speak out on the plight of the orphan. Around the world, here in the US, everywhere. I so desperately would open my home to another child, and another and another. I have lived it. I have fostered, lost children as they return, mended from the hurt, carry the scars. And it has brought me more and more steps towards all orphans, of all kinds, of all ages. I have done all the documents, been background checked so many times it is a joke, have clearance from homeland security (yeah, like a simple passionate housewife and mother is a security risk, but I have it!!!), have filled out piles and piles of documents (I HATE paperwork by the way, so if I can do it, anyone can - and thanks to my friends who stood alongside me as I did it and grumbled and kept me going when I thought I couldn't do one more thing), I have gotten so many things notarized I consider the notary at my bank a dear friend, I have gotten a passport (kicking and screaming all the way, there was no way I was leaving my children at home and going to another country), and actually got on a plane and left the US to go to Ethiopia for about a week. ...... And I would do it again in a heartbeat. I know that I have forgotten some of the pain, some of the agony, the awful wait, the fear that it wouldn't really happen, the worries and all of that. I shouldn't say that I have forgotten, but I have moved on. I have my two sons home and they have so integrated into the family and we are so blessed by them, I would do it in a heartbeat. I sit and hold my friend's hand as she struggles and cries with their very difficult adoption, and I would still go that road. I know the costs (and the miracle of provision) and I would do it again.

Here is part of the reason why: Christ adopted me. No questions, no what ifs, no counting of the cost. I watched the Passion of the Christ in the theatre with my husband and spent the entire bawling, as did that big huge guy next to me (dear hubby by the way). We sat and looked at each other after it ended, just shaken, as had to say, "What do we do with this?". It was the viceral reaction to what we had finally had brought home to us, what Christ did for us, what his message is, that we had to let it change our lives. Even more than we had allowed God to do before. We had to look at what we could do for those that God called us to. I continue to feel that.

And over and over, Christ speaks about the widow, the orphan, the fatherless. There were many verses quoted in the video you watched. I will at some point go back and quote them again. But at this point I have to empty my head to try to make my message and thoughts clear. If I don't somehow spill it out, well, it just won't.

Christ calls us to the "least of these" and says nothing about the cost to us. He does promise to bless us as we follow him. He is also very clear that we are to "take up our cross and follow him". We are to reach out to those who need us.

The orphan, there are so many, it is easy to look away. We live a life of ease, even when we have our worries. The fact that you are reading this, means that you have more than 95% of the world or more. I won't get started on that one, save that for later.

But, we need to reach out, to not count the cost, to be God's hands and feet. That is the message of the Gospel. Can I tell you how many people look strange at me with my rainbow of a pile of kids getting out of my "monster van" (as the kids call it). And I only have five kids. There is more to do. If I share with someone that I desire to adopt a child with special needs - oh, my goodness!!!! People have asked me if my children were exchange students, visiting for the summer, or whatever. I proudly introduce my sons and daughters.

God's heart is for adoption. He adopted us into his family, with our imperfections and all that meant that we didn't deserve it. Let me tell you, I never deserved to be adopted by the Creator of the Universe. And I am so grateful. God loves me. Just for me. And he loves you too. And the child on the other side of the world who needs you.

I have never in my life known that I was following God in the most profound way, as when we worked to adopt our sons. We did what was impossible - not because we did it, but because He did it. I saw more miracles in that ten months than I have ever seen or heard of in my entire life. God brought it about. Simply how we came to know of our children was a miracle (if you want to read that whole story it is still at www.caringbridge.org/visit/ethiopia2greenbay - go to the beginning of the journal and move forward). And I see the miracle every day. We are blessed. Our sons came to us at 8 and 12 and we could have all sorts of fun issues, but they are typical kids - fully kids with all that this means, but God has had such a hand on them! And if it had not gone that well, it still would have been a gift of God.

God desires us to be fully involved, not lukewarm (he says he will throw that out). I don't know what God has in mind for my family, where he is going to take us, but I hope to just be listening close enough to follow.

I will try to not be so emotional and have a better put together thought process for the next one!