And summer has arrived....

Summer has arrived.  I think we skipped spring, but who cares?  The sun is out, the weather is balmy and everything is green!  And this light skinned crazy person has managed to get sunburned because I had way too much that I wanted to get done outside!!!  LOL!  And yes, I did put on sunscreen - well, the second day anyway.....

But, we have been enjoying the heck out of the weather!  Steve got our fencing working again, and not intermittently!  So at this point all the animals have stayed where they are supposed to!  Whoo-hoo!  The wildest day was when the horses went to visit one of the neighbors and she called us at 7:30AM saying they were talking to her cows!  Talk about wide awake and running out the door!  By the time I ran out the door, the eight big horses were charging back down the driveway and all ran right past me to the gate to their pasture!  Who needs coffee after that!  Luckily, no one was hurt, no damage to anyone's property or crops, and they came right back home!!!  It was pretty (and scary) having them all charge right by me! 

I have gotten a few things in the garden, will work on more later today.  We have raspberry plants now, a strawberry patch, some flowers and a lilac bush.  The only way to keep the goats out of them is to have them inside my garden patch!  At this point, I have not been super wonderful about putting every square inch to work, so I don't feel bad about turning some over to something pretty and not food related.  I am drying some of my herbs, learning how to do it anyway, for teas and other things - can you tell I am learning as I go???  I have lots to plant today, but will have to clear some more spots in the garden before I do that - the spring was too wet to get at anything, and as we have reclaimed the garden from yard space, I still have tons of grass trying to come up!  I may be crazy enough to transplant some of it when I clear it out!  We had to trench for a new gas line to our propane tank, and though we have filled it in there is no grass there (amazingly, our free range chickens get to the grass seed as soon as we plant it, so I have given up on that!).  I may transplant some of that thriving grass to that area!  Hee, hee.  That might be a little nuts, but harmless.

I have had a great time watching my growing kids enjoying spring/summer.  Two of the boys are in drivers ed, so we may have another driver/helper for me by December!!!!  Soccer season has started, and we are prepping for the county fair!  That means horses, goats, chickens, rabbits all being prepped!  They have been so helpful with projects - at least most of the time.  I think I may have overrun their generosity (and responsibility) the day that I asked them and Steve to take out a friend's chain link fence.  A single mom wanted it gone, and wondered if we could use it - yes!!!!  So, I went to work at the stable with Kiley for the day - mucking stalls and the whole nine yards, and the others went to get this fence out.  It is HUGE, and all cemented it.  Ummmm....  But, they got it out!  And loaded in our horse trailer and brought home!  Now, we are planning to put it up as an addition off our summer kitchen for a pen for the male goats.  It is just perfect and will really help with our herd management.  So, that is likely Saturday's project, unless I get a little crazy and start it before then.....

Life on the farm is great.  Busy but great.  Everyone is learning so much, between internships, general activities, service projects, and continuous learning!  It was so funny when I was talking to the boys (taking drivers ed) yesterday.  I remember learning to drive and being terrified.  So, I have been prepping my kids for ages, literally.  I started explaining the rules of the road and getting them practicing behind the wheel long before they were really old enough to worry about it.  And then I found that we would run into a situation while we were driving that I could talk with them about - much less time pressure and all.  I figured I was driving them crazy with all that I kept explaining to them over the last two plus years, but yesterday, Zeri and Alex were telling me about a question the drivers ed teacher asked.  "Why is the road more slippery when it first starts raining?"  They both had known the answer and no one else in the class did!!!  Amazingly, not only had they listened to me prattle on constantly, but they remembered it!!!!!  Whoooooo-hooooo!!!!!  Actually, they both have said that they learned most of what they are going over in the class from me first!  Except now they are precise about the speed limit and I tend to go a few miles around it.  Sigh, so now they are calling me on it.  Sigh.  And Zeri is so motivated by this class that we are spending extra time on reading by reading through his manual!!!!  He is doing great - it is like everything is just clicking now!  We did all that teaching, all that work, and made progress but it was slow, and now it is just falling into place!!!!!  Wow!!!!  Hooray!!!!  I am so proud of him - he works so very hard!!!!!

Well, I have to run.  Two of the boys are going rock picking for a neighbor, one is going to an automotive internship, and one is going to an equestrian internship (and to prepare for her horse show on Sunday!).  Then I run to work for my one hour, and back home to my lovely crew!  Then to driver's ed, and rounding up kids from internships, and another appointment for our adoption.  I am trying to get all the craziness done before our little girls get home, so it is a bit extra crazy right now.  I have lots on my to do list for before they get home, all with the plan to make things easier and less busy when they are home, because it will have to be!!!!

Love to all, enjoy every moment, breathe in God's blessings and pray for those suffering (thinking of all the tornados!)
Christy

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Be a part of the puzzle for two little girls!!!

With the rising costs of gas, and the delay in getting our tax refund, we are facing a shortfall of what is needed to complete our homestudy fees!  I am working extra hours, but pay periods just don't come fast enough, plus there are eight kids and a small farm to run, so that is limited to keep our sanity and everyone intact!

So, if you were looking for a way to be involved, here goes:
I have a gorgeous farm puzzle, with children playing, that has 1000 pieces.  For the purchase of one piece, we are asking a donation of $2, your name will be put on the back of the piece.  The construction of this puzzle gets us to the next step!  When the puzzle is completed, it will be all glued together and framed, with plexiglass on both sides, and hung in our little girls' bedroom when they get home!  It can be turned over to show all the people and all the love required to get them home!  It will be a forever remembrance for them of not only God's love and provision, but other people's love!  I will get a photo tonight of the puzzle in the box, and the way we will lay it out.  As pieces are claimed, we will begin to put it together.

There is a "chip in " button on the left side of the blog, and it directs you to PayPal.  If you use that it will chart what is donated.  I have not figured out how to mark what we have gotten directly (not through chip in) but I have $100 check to cash that isn't listed there.  So, please go to Chip In or get in touch with me and I can help you help us!  Please consider, literally every dollar counts!

Please, please help if you can, every small amount helps.  I am trying to rest in God in this, as I had thought this last paycheck I got would cover it, but gas is eating up a lot of our funds.  We need to get Steve to work everyday and he travels a lot - though thankfully he is home every night!  Driving our big van (the only thing that will transport everyone) is costly, and the gas tank is literally eating it up!  We have curtailed lots of things in order to conserve, but getting to church is a must, as well as doctors, etc, and grocery shopping!!!

I wish I could share a photo of our little girls on my blog, but just cannot until they are home.

Please consider being a part of the puzzle in any way that you can, and share the blog with anyone who may be interested!!!!  I would love to see it go viral!

On an upside, we are beginning to see some sales of our diabetes log books, and that goes directly into the fund too!!!!  We are keeping it really economical, as it is crucial for families dealing with this disease.  Costs are high for all the medical care.  We want to provide a good service, for minimal cost, and maybe have a little to add to our adoption fund.  But I so look forward to getting feedback as more people are using these books!  They helped our kids immensely!

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

For this child I prayed....

I love this saying. I see it on adorable baby photo frames, decorative plates with little tiny footprints, all over. And each time it makes me mist up.

I think of all eight of our children. I think of how each one came to our family and how each one grew in my heart.

See, the secret is, that although three of our children grew also UNDER my heart (in my womb), each child grew in my heart long before I could touch him or her. In some ways the adoption journey is like the pregnancy journey. You wonder about all sorts of things. What he or she will sound like when you first hear their voice, what things they will like, which family member they will most resemble is some way, what they will grow up to be. All of that. I dream about the three children we are soon to bring home in some of the same ways that I dreamed of my birth children before they were born.

But this time, again, they come to us as little people with developed personalities and history and experiences. These histories can be difficult at times. I cannot tell you the times I have listened to my boys relate experiences that make me just want to cry. No child should have memories of things like that, should have experienced some of what they have experienced.

But, we are so grateful that they are here and work to teach them that they are stronger because of what they experienced. They lived through things, and they have moved on.

To watch them now, to see their strength, their joy, their resilience, and who they are becoming - all of the children, all five that I can currently see, that is the greatest blessing.

No matter whether a child is born into a family and remains in that family, or whether life throws them into a whirlwind and they end up in another family, they are who they are. I want them all to know that they belong, and they do. I watch our birth children struggle with their own issues and know that each child, no matter their history, will have their own set of struggles in life.

If as their parent, I can give them some skills to deal with these struggles in a positive and persistent way, then I think I have given them a good gift. No one is immune from struggles.

I sat with my eldest birth daughter today at yet another endocrinology appointment (diabetes). I was trying to count how many of these we have done in the last six years since her diagnosis. Every three months for six years, would probably put us at about 18, with a couple more added in when she was first diagnosed and seen more often. It becomes routine, but not routine. She was all worked up because she knew that today she would have a blood draw. She only gets these once a year, and we have numbing cream, but she has been working herself up for this for at least a month, knowing it was coming. Most days she doesn't struggle with this chronic issue - it just is what is. But sometimes these appointments really bring home that this isn't normal, that this is difficult, that this really stinks. And we both know that this will likely continue for the rest of her life, though we are praying for a cure. This is what is. She could get hung up on the issue and be wallowing in self pity, but she isn't. She won't. Not that there aren't moments, but they are generally very brief. And we deal with it and move on.

We do this with all the kids. Life happens, crummy stuff happens to everyone. It just does. No one is immune, at least no one I know. So, we need to look for the good stuff. Deal with the bad as much as we must, and then move on. I know one lady who is in her sixties, still mourning for her crummy childhood and complaining about her mother and how things could have been different and how that would have changed her life. Not to say that I don't feel for her experiences and pain, but for heaven's sake, move on! Make good choices, learn from your bad ones, learn from you bad experiences and get out there and make a great today and tomorrow! That is all that we get. At some point we need to say, "yep, that stunk, but I don't want to keep reliving it". We can chose our todays.

For this child I prayed....

For each single one.

That they will be healthy and strong, that they will love deeply and long, that they will make wise choices, thoughtful choices that will lead them to fulfillment and happiness. That they will work hard and be satisfied, no matter what they do. That they will always let their past provide them with a foundation and strength and compassion and love. That they will be faith filled, that they will know the wonders of a true relationship with their Lord. That they will never sell themselves short, that they will try many things, that they will find the true meaning in their life. That they will be kind, giving, loving, and generous people. That people will walk away from meeting them and be blessed. That whatever they do in life, that they will do it to the best of their abilities, no matter what those abilities are. That they will love us as we love them. That we will always be a close family, that we will have those ties that bind lovingly.

Those prayers we say for our unborn babies, those are the same prayers we pray for our children who have come to us through adoption. Those prayers are the same. The children, well, we may not have seen those tiny baby toes, or seen them as little ones learning to walk, but we still prayed for them for each of those things. Those deep prayers of the heart, they are the same.

I looked again at photos of our children in Ethiopia, and just had to say "we have a daughter, we have a son, we have a son". I am still in awe.

Terrified at times, but in awe.

For this child I prayed... For Alex, for Zeri, for Kiley, for Amanuael, for Solomon, for Faith, for Tsion, and for Abenezer. They have all grown in my heart long before I could touch them. For this child I prayed..... And prayed.... And prayed.....

Decisions.....

"I had a dream last night but it was a dancing carrot, so it didn't help anything."

This statement from the ever pragmatic 11 year old eldest daughter in the house.

Just when you wonder when you will hear from God, what is the direction to take, and it seems that all you hear are the crickets in the silence, that is when God speaks.

Okay, if you didn't understand the crickets reference, let me explain our family's viewpoint (by the way, the kids came up with this long ago, not me). We live in a very rural area (hooray), and at night, very few vehicles go by, and we are pretty far back from the road, by most standards. So, at night, when it all gets quiet, the crickets are so amazingly LOUD!!!!! Seriously, there are some nights where you think that maybe you won't be able to sleep because of the crickets (unless you think like me and are determined that they must be a lullaby). Don't even begin to mention the spring peepers - the smallest little frogs ever, loud enough to really make you think you are going deaf when they are in full season. Anyway, back to crickets. When we ask the kids a question "who wants to - some chore/volunteer/etc" there are times you hear a quiet chorus from the kids of cricket noises. That is their version of silence - of course it collapses into giggles. So, we use the sound of crickets to signify silence, when you are listening super hard for something and all you hear are the crickets.

Anyway, if you have followed my blog the last week or two, you probably know that we are in the midst of a really hard decision. We know that we are bringing home two boys in our next adoption, but the opportunity came up to adopt a third child, a special needs waiting child. The problem is, there are many such children available. Hence the agony of even considering. When you get down to just a couple who speak to your heart, well, how do you choose? You weigh things back and forth and just struggle.

Well, there were some things that were pretty clear in our family. We cannot adopt older than our oldest biological child. Pretty much a straight adoption rule. Makes sense as messing with that child's birth order can really wreak havoc. And our eldest biological daughter (oldest of the only two girls in the group) was really adamant that she didn't want any more girls in the family (not Mom and Dad's perspective by the way) and certainly NOT one even remotely close to her age.

Now, you have to understand, Kiley and Zeri struggled for the longest time. They are similar in personality, and Zeri is a little older than Kiley. It was a really big deal. But now they are really close and it is so wonderful to see. And I am grateful, because they could make us all miserable when they were at it. I had dearly hoped that they would simply declare a truce, that would have made me happy, I never really dared to dream that they would become such great pals - I am a blessed Momma and I know it!

There are some things in a family that just really cannot be messed with.

So, we were presented with several options and tons of information. We ended up ruling out many children right off the bat, one reason or another. But came down to three left. Two were girls, one a toddler with significant special needs and one a girl about a year younger than Kiley with medical special needs.

Well, Steve and I had talked and weighed things back and forth and decided that the older girl would not be a good fit, simply because of the age and possible friction issues. But we weren't settled on the toddler either. I emailed our wonderful lady at the adoption agency and told her we could not take the girl. She told me that she had already put a DVD into the mail to us of this same girl, it would be at our house shortly. Okay, whatever.

Mail came and there it was. I pulled it out, but wasn't even going to look at it. Neither was Steve. Then we got the kids to bed and were finishing up emails and whatnot. Well, why not pop it in? It's sitting right here.

So, I did. Pretty soon Steve is watching over my shoulder and I am nearly in tears. And who should show up but Kiley. Now remember, she knew we had said no to this situation because of all the birth order/gender issues. Well, she silently watched it to the end, coming closer throughout.

At the end, she said, "I know this sounds funny and that you are going to laugh at me..." And I just held my breath. I could feel every hair on my body standing on end, even more so than it had during the video. "I would choose her. I know what I said about it before, and it makes no sense, but I would choose her.".

Talk about not taking a breath.

So, now back to the whole carrot comment: Tonight, again as the kids are tucked into bed - there must be one good thing about being diabetic - when you come downstairs (again) after bedtime, but to check your sugars, Mom and Dad are really understanding and attentive - she logs lots of extra time this way and it is also the time when we have some of our most amazing talks.

So... She asked us what we thought about this child after sleeping on it overnight. Cricket, cricket, cricket - as I looked to Steve and he looked to me - we hadn't even been able to talk about it yet today.

"I had a dream last night but it was a dancing carrot, so it didn't help anything." To which we just stared at her and then laughed. But then this child went on to say how she still thought it was the right fit, no matter what we all thought had been decided before. this coming from the kid who is as stubborn as her mule - and by the way, they MEAN it. (At our house the kids get a vote on issues, but Mom and Dad get at least 10 each and everyone knows it - we want to know what they think, and then we will go ahead and make our decision.)

We chatted about it a little and then sent her to bed. Now you have to understand that hubby and I have not been able to talk about this since bedtime last night. And we generally have to work our way through things - and he isn't one to leap - though I am, all the time.

So, I asked him, "So, I guess we have to make a decision about this." To which he said, "We're way past the point of making a decision."

So, after all that we have struggled with the last few weeks, it seems that God has finally shown us the right direction, and once again through the words of a child. He performed the miracle in a child's heart, and all things are possible. And the amazing thing, the thing that keeps me knowing we are on the right path, is that there is complete agreement here. And no, I don't mean the kids - again they get a vote, we get a voting block and veto power. But there is finally total peace and direction. That was the feeling last night too, that God had spoken and we had been able to witness it. Unreal, surreal, amazing.

God works in the most amazing ways. Not really sure what the carrot dream had to do with it, but it was too funny!

(By the way, Mom and John, way in Arizona, this is your birth announcement of another granddaughter! Now I expect the phone to ring soon!)

Why there is so much to do...

I was just reading a blog of a woman who recently returned from Ethiopia after adopting three sisters. She expressed very well what I have had such a hard time facing and putting into words.

We long ago knew that we were supposed to be "the hands and feet of Christ", that for our family, that meant action. I'm not very good at sitting still - now all my friends can quit laughing or shaking their heads. I don't understand theory, but I do understand action. If there is a problem, well, something must be done. I get very frustrated with discussing things. Committees are not something I can be part of - the hands on action - oh, yes, but talking about it, no.

When we adopted Zeri and Solly, our eyes were opened to the intense needs all over the world. We had always known of them in a vague sense, but this was concrete. It see it, to smell it, to be right there and be unable to do anything (though many argued that we were doing something), it was so hard. And to come home to our affluence (even though we are far from it by American standards, we live very simply and like it that way, well, it was overwhelming. And to have the resources that we have - our home, our knowledge, my specialty with special needs kids, all of that - left us feeling that we were not done. And we aren't. I don't know that means. It does mean that we are on our way for A and A. It seems to move at a snail's pace some days, but that is the way it goes. I know that we can offer help for the older A. I know that what is truly a life threatening disease (diabetes) is manageable here, not well at all there. And without the hope of an adoption, eventually, A would be turned out, and I don't know that he could get the insulin his life depends on. What is so frustrating is that our fridge stores several vials of insulin, sitting right here! We have all the syringes, the testing supplies, everything (Kiley uses them, but we could so easily have enough for both within days). And I cannot get to him fast enough. As we see Kiley go through things, I think constantly of A - what care is he getting, how are they handling these things for him? I just cannot even ask. I know his prescriptions, and I know that he is terribly thin. I know that this is a result of very high blood sugars and I know what it is doing to his body for both the short and long term. And the need to rush is so intense.

So, all I feel that I can do right now is to raise awareness for other kids, to work my butt off (really tired right now as I have the opportunity to work extra hours - every hour moves us closer to bringing the boys home), to spread the word of the need of all these kids. Please pray for all the kids all over the world who suffer, here and all over. Please pray that we all will be able to look beyond what seems to make sense in our affluent life. The wealth that we all have, even when it doesn't feel like it in these economic times, is life for so many. I know that there are so many kids who will be left behind, because they aren't perfect or have issues, they will be determined to be unadoptable and left behind, sometimes to die. Please pray, please allow God to speak to you about what you can do, please show support for families who are stepping out to do this. I have such a hard time explaining why we would do this - knowingly adopt a child with needs, knowingly adopt older children instead of a baby, why even with five kiddos, two already adopted as older kids, and one bio kid with medical needs - haven't we done enough?

No.

What if we could save one more? What if one more could know the love of a family, the hope for a future, the opportunity to grow up in faith? How could anyone turn away? If it means that we don't have new furniture? If it means that we don't have new TV's or fancy clothes? If it means we live in a house that we are working on? If we don't have the fanciest or the newest thing? If it means that we budget carefully? It is a no brainer. Of course we don't need those things. What a blessing of growing children, growing in faith and in love. Nothing material will ever be an even exchange - it is just stuff, transitory.

So please go to this blog link, as she shares her heart so well. I wish I did. It is all so hard, and I can only face trying to put it into words a little at a time. There is a video at the end that is truly heartbreaking, but really puts it into perspective about doing "something". Everyone can do something, no matter where they are, no matter their situation. Sometimes it is just hard to see.
Putting it into words

Down for the count....

Imagine a mom of many's worst nightmare. What would it be?

Hmm, let's think for a minute....

How about an entire houseful of sick kids??? Kids with something contagious?

Yep, that is what is happening here, though it isn't as bad as it could be.

Kiley called me at work this morning to tell me that her throat hurt so badly that she couldn't swallow. Now let me remind/tell you, this is our kiddo with type 1 diabetes. That adds an element of urgency to all medical situations as all illnesses and injuries affect her diabetes control. A diabetic kid who cannot eat is not a good thing.

I had peeked at her throat last night, as it was sore, and it had looked pretty awful, so we were watching it, but this was worse. A quick call to the doctor, and I was leaving work to get the kids in to the doctor. My first thought was step, as that always seems to be going around, though we haven't had it that I can remember in years. I decided to take all the kids - if one has it, most likely more than one has it, the way I figured it, and dragging them in one at a time to a doctor a half hour away from home just didn't make sense. Sure enough, Kiley has a serious case of strep throat. No surprise there. So, to the nurses' surprise, we hauled the other four kids in and did strep tests on them too. The look on their faces when I asked them to do that was priceless!!! LOL. We literally lined them up and got it done while I registered the others - ugh, five co-pays for the same visit. I get it, but jeepers!

Well, only Alex ended up being positive also, but the wonderful doctor decided not to wait for the longer version of the tests to come back and just prescribed antibiotics for all the kids. Yay! Because otherwise you know I would be doing the same thing again in a couple days.

So, everyone is quarantined until the antibiotics have been going for 48 hours. That is what the pediatrician said anyway. I thought it was 24 hours, but need to go by what she says. I called the doctor for those of us adults (the ones that are very outnumbered in our house!) and thankfully, he didn't even want to bother sending me in for a test (it will come up positive most likely anyway as my throat is becoming increasingly raw) and just sent me in for meds for hubby and myself. Whew, that means two less doctor appointments.

So, we are at home. Yay! And not so yay! So far no one has been too crabby, and I am keeping them going on school and what not, and we splurged on a couple movies for some down time. So, hopefully things will improve. I think in larger families, it never just happens to one kid, but I will take this over having them all throwing up or something like that!!!!!

Kiley has been very lucky and her diabetes hasn't caused us any trouble so far this round of illness, but that doesn't really mean anything as we aren't out of the woods yet. Usually diabetic kids will run really high blood sugars when they are sick, in fact parents of kids with diabetes have actual "sick day protocols" to safely get through these days. I mean it, I have a printout from our doctor of hour by hour how to safely get through them. But, Kiley being Kiley, never really follows the usual. When she is sick, she tends to run low rather than high. Now, that causes more immediate problems but to a certain extent is a bit easier to battle, though it takes much more vigilance. Right now she is running on her low end of normal, not below her parameters, but close. And this makes tonight one night that I am very grateful that we have her on her continuous glucose monitor (CGM). It is a wonderful thing, checks her blood sugars every five minutes and displays it on the screen of what looks like a large pager. But, the best thing is that it alarms when she goes out of range. And when she goes low, it will keep alarming until things improve. So, I will sleep with an ear open, though when I checked on her just a bit ago things were normal and in range. Our doctor asked what we liked about our CGM, because it really does give a ton of info, almost too much to be helpful, though we find that it is extraordinarily helpful. In all honesty that alarm is our greatest asset with it. It is one more safety net. We have worked through dangerous lows, and woke up one night to her screaming in the midst of a low blood sugar seizure. I don't ever want to see that again, and this helps us to have some warning. So, anyway, we hope to sleep, hope that she doesn't do her own unusual thing with blood sugars, at least for tonight anyway. We will take it moment by moment.

So, I took my last dose of antibiotics for tonight, and I am off to bed. What craziness!

A must read about abortion

Now, as most of you (if not all of you) who read my blog know, I love tons of kids! I would have many more in our household if we could, and we may yet. So, we have what many people consider a large family - five kids! Gasp! No biggie - okay, sometimes the laundry is, but really, how stressed can you get about that. Or if you do, like I do some days (like today, when the rain moved in and I had to pull all three loads in off the clothesline to finish drying in my horribly inefficient dryer), well, you have to step back and decide that it is crazy to let it make you nuts. So, I try to make a joke of it, enlist help of the kids, and just have a sense of humor. And to be grateful - at least it means that we have clothes to wear, family members to clothe and health enough that we are able to dirty clothes in activities.

Anyway, before I digress into silliness, back to the topic. I have a few blogs that I follow, that are inspiring to me, get me thinking, let me reach out, or just give me an excuse to sit for a couple minutes with a cup of coffee!!!!

I have found a new blog that I really like, and I found this post today (get this, I had been up for basically most of the last two nights with my daughter's diabetes struggles, snatching sleep in between her continuous blood glucose monitor alarming at me and then dealing with the issue, got her up to go babysit at a nearby friend's house at the ungodly hour of 7AM - God, could we have made mornings easier?, and then began my chores of laundry and getting the other kids going, followed by moving horses to another pasture, chasing down boys to chase down goat escape artists, and cutting really long grass around the house! I keep thinking it must be lunchtime, but nope, not yet.). It was very well written and had a great deal of resources and I would highly recommend you check it out.

I was just so torn up reading it, not just because I am so sad about abortion in general, but because I have several rather personal reasons to feel that way.

My eldest child was unexpected and I was unwed and in a bad situation when I discovered I was pregnant with him. My sin, my failing, and now I has subjected someone else to this! Well, I truly know that God used this to slap me upside the head and get me back on track and I quite often admit that my son probably saved my life, at the very least gave me motivation to make a better life! At that point, several folks, in very kind ways, discussed abortion with me. I know where they were coming from and their hearts. They did have good intentions. But I look back and think "what if I had done that?". I look at my lovely boy and know that I would have murdered him, and never gotten to know him. I knew at the time that it wasn't an option, I would not abort this child, and that I would get my act together, and get back with God. And God blessed that. Reason one.

We have been foster parents and though we still mourn for those children that we love that have moved on, for better or worse, and I know that they live. I think of my little E, her portrait still hangs on the wall, after two years of her being gone, and will never come down. As much as it pains me that I miss her, I am so grateful that her mother gave her life. In fact, her birthmother and I had a conversation in which she advocated that we still be able to be in E's life after she returned to her birthfather, as "you are her mother" (yes, coming from her birthmother!!!!). We looked at each other and she said that I did the job, and I responded that she blessed E with life. It still rings as one of the most surreal moments of my life. So, for those kids, that while they may be "unwanted" or in tough situations, they deserve life. There are families who will love them as we love E, people that strongly desire to care for them and help them have happy lives. What may be a bad situation today, may be a good one in a year. And how many amazing people have come from tough backgrounds and used that for good, to be extraordinary people? So many! How do you decide that something is "too hard"? How do we claim that right to decide this?

Next. Two of my children were adopted from a difficult situation, orphaned internationally and seemingly without hope. And they are the most lively, living in the moment kids. We are so very blessed to have them in our lives, to have them as our children. I am so glad that their mothers gave them life, and that we were able to continue that life, and that I know that they will grow up and go on to have a chance for good lives (they get to choose how they live it out, I will do my best to prepare them for it).

Another. I have one child with a chronic medical condition, one that can always place her life at risk, one that could very well shorten or affect her life. We battle it constantly. But with the wonderful miracles of modern medicine, she can live with this. A hundred years ago she would have been dead years ago. Now she will go on to have a full life, however always needing to address this issue. What if someone decided that a child living with diabetes was too hard? Would you chose to abort that child? It is hard. But it is lovely. How do you decide what is too hard? God has given us what he has for a reason. There is nothing too hard with God. He may only provide moment to moment, or day to day, but if you can work with him, it can be done. I have seen both my daughter and our family affect other folks as they watch us live with this and deal with this. We have a lot to offer, a lot of encouragement, a lot of practical things we can do. Would I choose for her to not have this disease? In a heartbeat! Would I sacrifice anything I could, including myself if I thought I could rid her of this? Without even having to think twice about it! But, what are we to learn through this, what is God teaching us, what is he strengthening her to do? I know that he has a purpose, and I know that he will use this for his glory, and I know that he does not have plans for our harm, but for our good, and I know that he loves my child so much more than I even do. So, yes, as the parent of a child with "issues", I would never choose to not have her here, or to save her from what she deals with (by aborting her instead).

And. We hope to be blessed with more natural children, but that will be up to God. If he chooses to allow me to conceive again, it will be entirely through his grace, and I have learned to accept that. But, folks will ask us: but what if another has this disease? Or: given your age, aren't you worried about the risks of birth defects? (By the way, I am 38) Personally, as much as I want a healthy baby, does that mean I would turn away a sick or "imperfect" one? Not at all. Again, God is soveriegn and has reasons. I know that we don't even want to do prenatal testing unless it is for something that we could do something about prior to birth, something that doctors could fix or whatever. I do not want to know if my child would have Down Syndrome or something else. There is nothing that I could do about that, and I want to welcome a child, not a syndrome. We still try to say that our child is a "child with diabetes rather than a diabetic child". If testing could show something that medication could help, or prenatal surgery could help - then I am all for it. Of course I would want to do that. But otherwise, nope. I will take what I am given, whatever it is (kinda feel like I am tempting fate or something by saying that publicly). I know that if I start rounding out, people will comment, we will get more stares, and I am sure someone will ask if we are done yet. They do already. NOPE. If God moves, he moves. That is it.

And another reason. I have been intensely following a little boy in Vietnam with special needs. He is four, and in a situation where he certainly isn't getting the care that would allow him to have the best life that he can. If you don't know, the situation with adoptions in Vietnam is precarious. At this point, it is unlikely that any children will be adopted out of there after September first. The window is closing for this young child (if you have any interest in him, contact me and I will get you in touch with the adoption agency!!!!). I don't know why, but from the moment I saw his face, I was so drawn to him. My heart just reached out to him, broke for him. And then to see his video, and scream at the screen - no, don't hold him like that, it makes it worse!! NO, please don't tie him into that chair where he will develop more abnormal movement patterns and spend his days!!! Please, let me show you how to hold him so he can get breath better, please let me hold him so he can get control of his trunk muscles and then maybe get his hands out of those fists. I can see just what I know needs to be done to help him move. And even with all that being done wrong for him, he has a huge smile, eyes that shine out at you, and is so smiley and interactive with people. AGGGHHHH!!!! I know what could be done for him here, what options he would have, and that no one could tell how far he might come with help. But he won't get that there. Anyway. In my heart, he feels like my son, but it isn't only my decision to make. I cannot do it alone. There are realities - like $1500 for another homestudy, $480 to immigration, and then travel (he is a promise child, so there are no agency fees). I don't have those funds today, but I fully believe that God could move things so that was available. He did with our other sons. Each time I think that the clock has run out, or that there is no way that something could happen, it does. But at this point, it isn't just my decision to make. Would there be mobility issues? Maybe. Would that be a problem in our two story house? Probably eventually, though could be managed while he is small. He also may do very well and it would be a moot point. Would our family and friends think we were nuts? Oh, most definitely! I am sure there would be many concerned conversations with the best of intentions. There are people who don't talk with us now because of the children we already adopted (different race, country, more kids, etc). Some in our church community would be less than helpful - I know that the preschool Sunday schools would not be a place that this child could go given certain issues. And I know that I can deal with that. It would raise people's hackles for us to have a "new" child and deal with a stroller or wheelchair on top of "what we already have". I get that. I know that it is more. That this child would exponentially add to the family. I also know that being stretched isn't a bad thing. It is too easy to look at the ones that look perfect or healthy, but leave behind those that don't. Sorry, but I am at a frustrating period and don't see an answer. And maybe God's answer is that my heart is opened, that it is stirred up. Okay, I get that too. But is this child any less valuable than those that aren't so challenging? Doesn't he deserve a family that can love him for who he is and what God made him to be? I have struggled with this situation for months and haven't seen a whole lot of progress, or at least not at the final stumbling block. But, each child deserves life. This child may not be perfect, but does that mean he has less value? Our society values the pretty, the cute, the athletic, the smart. That isn't what Christ calls us to do (a great read is by Tom Davis "Red Letters". Don't read it unless you want to be challenged and brought back to exactly what Christ said).

So, those are my personal reasons that abortion makes me sad. I would gladly take any of those "unwanted" home and raise them as my own. And to see them not given a chance at life.... It is murder plain and simple, done for convenience. We need to step up and help. Next time you see the unwed mom at church, doing her best to forge a better way, don't look down your nose at her, but smile. I have been on the receiving end of that look - condemned for my sins, flogged with them, even as Christ promised me that they were as far as the east is from the west, and as I tried to do the right thing. Help our the foster/adoptive families you know, help out the single mom, help someone. Ask the youth pastor if he/she knows any families that would be blessed by your son's outgrown clothes that you have no one to pass them to. Be nice. that is it.

I dunno, I think I just blew out all my possible steam for the day. Read the blog. Think about what you can do. Bless someone, somehow. Now, I am tired. I think I will make lunch, hug my kids, fold my laundry, read with the kids, and try to move on. I have wrung out all my sadness and angst for the day. Sorry I wasn't more entertaining.