The strangest bedtime conversation...

Kiley pulled me over as I was shooing the crew up to bed - we have a routine that takes a while, including two kids checking blood sugars and getting shots, two taking prescription medications, all getting vitamins, trips to the bathroom (we only have one), getting in pajamas, and everyone getting hugs.

Initially, it seemed that the request to "tell" me something was likely an excuse to stay up later and certainly to stall things. But, as I sat down at the table across from my daughter, a story came out that I still find hard to understand. It seems that little Ben, one of the newer to join our family, had asked if we were really taking a trip to Grandma Jan's (in a nearby state) for Christmas or if the kids were just told that to keep them "happy". It seems that in the orphanage it was very common for the kids to be told to pack their bags, grab their coats as later they were to go somewhere/do something fun. And later, when they asked about it, they were told that they really weren't going, that they had been told that to make them happy. (AAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! Can you see my mommyhead exploding????)

I was absolutely stunned. After sitting with my mouth open, I was able to close it and then realize that Aman was standing behind me. I turned and asked him if they would really do that in the orphanage. He very directly stated "yes, all the time". I was so stunned and horrified. He laughed because he could clearly see on my face that I was totally blown away by this. I somewhat stumblingly but clearly stated that under no conditions would we ever do something like that to them and that I felt that it was just wrong to have this ever done to them in the first place!!! I said several times and several ways that we would never lie to them to make them feel better for a few minutes or hours or days or weeks or ever. That it certainly was unkind to do that to someone. I could see that Aman was relieved, but also understood completely how much it meant to us.

So, here are my thoughts, beyond what a horrible thing to do to children,: I find it completely amazing that these kids trust us as much as they seemingly do, after adults have done this to them. No wonder they sometimes hold back a little to see if I will truly do what I have said I would do. How could they do anything else??? I am just amazed at how resilient these kiddos are and all that they have been through. I am still basically speechless. Why would someone do that? Is it just one way to manage a large group of kids when you are overwhelmed? I just don't know. And I don't see it as particularly helpful either.

You know, in older child adoption, our kids come to us with life histories, and sometimes (often?) these histories are not what we want for our kids to ever have experienced. I would spare my kids each and every pain they have ever experienced, but I cannot do that even for the kids that I have raised from birth. Then add in my "non-birth" kiddos - the things that happened to them and their first families were not things we would have ever wanted to have happen to anyone, but these are also the things that led to them being available for adoption. They are their life experiences, and to deny them would be useless as well as detrimental. So, we must accept them and build on them and build a positive future together. Their life experiences actually make them who they are. It is part of the whole package.

And in reality, it enriches our lives, all our lives. Truly, I have been stretched in ways I never imagined, or sometimes wished to be, and our experiences have been overwhelmingly positive. How do you reach out to a child you love with your whole heart and accept their love for another mother, when you are also their mother? It is easy and not easy, if we accept the whole package. I need to value who I am to this child and also value who that woman was to this child. We share the love of this child. Whether death or something else has separated my child from his/her first family, it matters not. I expect my children to love their first families as I love my father who has been deceased for more than 25 years, and as I love my "step" father, a man who I have recently begun to refer to as my dad, without any loss of value to my first father. I love both for who they are to me, and I am sure neither would begrudge that, but these two men would instead honor each other for the value each has given to my life.

One of the things I want for my children is for them to know that they can count on me. That I will do everything that I can to keep my word to them, that people can and should be relied on to do the right thing. I don't know what other things will come up that will surprise me, but I am very sure that there will be more. And I pray for God's hand as I try to deal with each one and work out the best for my children's lives as we build from what was to what will be.

Why there is so much to do...

I was just reading a blog of a woman who recently returned from Ethiopia after adopting three sisters. She expressed very well what I have had such a hard time facing and putting into words.

We long ago knew that we were supposed to be "the hands and feet of Christ", that for our family, that meant action. I'm not very good at sitting still - now all my friends can quit laughing or shaking their heads. I don't understand theory, but I do understand action. If there is a problem, well, something must be done. I get very frustrated with discussing things. Committees are not something I can be part of - the hands on action - oh, yes, but talking about it, no.

When we adopted Zeri and Solly, our eyes were opened to the intense needs all over the world. We had always known of them in a vague sense, but this was concrete. It see it, to smell it, to be right there and be unable to do anything (though many argued that we were doing something), it was so hard. And to come home to our affluence (even though we are far from it by American standards, we live very simply and like it that way, well, it was overwhelming. And to have the resources that we have - our home, our knowledge, my specialty with special needs kids, all of that - left us feeling that we were not done. And we aren't. I don't know that means. It does mean that we are on our way for A and A. It seems to move at a snail's pace some days, but that is the way it goes. I know that we can offer help for the older A. I know that what is truly a life threatening disease (diabetes) is manageable here, not well at all there. And without the hope of an adoption, eventually, A would be turned out, and I don't know that he could get the insulin his life depends on. What is so frustrating is that our fridge stores several vials of insulin, sitting right here! We have all the syringes, the testing supplies, everything (Kiley uses them, but we could so easily have enough for both within days). And I cannot get to him fast enough. As we see Kiley go through things, I think constantly of A - what care is he getting, how are they handling these things for him? I just cannot even ask. I know his prescriptions, and I know that he is terribly thin. I know that this is a result of very high blood sugars and I know what it is doing to his body for both the short and long term. And the need to rush is so intense.

So, all I feel that I can do right now is to raise awareness for other kids, to work my butt off (really tired right now as I have the opportunity to work extra hours - every hour moves us closer to bringing the boys home), to spread the word of the need of all these kids. Please pray for all the kids all over the world who suffer, here and all over. Please pray that we all will be able to look beyond what seems to make sense in our affluent life. The wealth that we all have, even when it doesn't feel like it in these economic times, is life for so many. I know that there are so many kids who will be left behind, because they aren't perfect or have issues, they will be determined to be unadoptable and left behind, sometimes to die. Please pray, please allow God to speak to you about what you can do, please show support for families who are stepping out to do this. I have such a hard time explaining why we would do this - knowingly adopt a child with needs, knowingly adopt older children instead of a baby, why even with five kiddos, two already adopted as older kids, and one bio kid with medical needs - haven't we done enough?

No.

What if we could save one more? What if one more could know the love of a family, the hope for a future, the opportunity to grow up in faith? How could anyone turn away? If it means that we don't have new furniture? If it means that we don't have new TV's or fancy clothes? If it means we live in a house that we are working on? If we don't have the fanciest or the newest thing? If it means that we budget carefully? It is a no brainer. Of course we don't need those things. What a blessing of growing children, growing in faith and in love. Nothing material will ever be an even exchange - it is just stuff, transitory.

So please go to this blog link, as she shares her heart so well. I wish I did. It is all so hard, and I can only face trying to put it into words a little at a time. There is a video at the end that is truly heartbreaking, but really puts it into perspective about doing "something". Everyone can do something, no matter where they are, no matter their situation. Sometimes it is just hard to see.
Putting it into words