Expectations and value

Hi,
This post was written in response to an email a friend sent me about "helicopter parenting". I feel like I really can comment on this with some amount of respect as many people have approached my husband and myself in public and commented on our children's behavior. We were just discussing it last night. We generally have been approached by total strangers two to three times a week in the last month. Clerks in stores, people in waiting rooms at doctor's offices, people in restraunts. It has really gotten us quite surprised because our kids behavior is far from perfect, but we are seeing a consistent response in public. Perhaps other parents just don't expect or train considerate and appropriate behavior.

Anyway, the post about helicopter parents today got me thinking and I just started jotting out our expectations and values. I sent it back to the friend who had sent me the email. And decided that I would post it here.

I don't think we are strange. I think we are working hard to do the best for our kids and family. It isn't rocket science and we certainly find that we make many mistakes, and I expect that there will be many more. As I type this I hear boys in the "boys dormitory" upstairs banging around and playing when they are supposed to be getting dressed - I am sure getting dressed is part of the equation, but not the only part! LOL! Kids are kids, we are all on a journey, but we are doing it together.

So, here were my comments:

Basically:

Allow your child to suffer the natural consequences of their actions.

Expect responsibility and good behavior. Have consequences for lapses in either.

Don't give them big ticket (or even small ticket) items that they did not earn - these things are not needed! They are poorer for just "getting them", they are richer for having earned them and worked hard.

Allow them to get the grades they earn. Help, but don't do their work for them or put word in their mouths!

Your family is a TEAM, and that means that each and every person in the family (no matter how big or small) contributes significantly to the success of the family - by doing something meaningful to help the family each and every day, and even better if it is several things! The last thing our kids need is to be waited and and feel useless or "non-contributing". The best thing for them is to know that they can make life better for everyone, that what they do helps or hurts everyone, that they can influence how their family life is.

Do things as a FAMILY. If someone is gifted in sports, then the family gets involved - the child isn't just shuttled there - and the child contributes to help earn the fees for the sports, or does something meaningful to compensate for the sacrifice of the family financially (it is not just GIVEN). Gifts need to be valued, by everyone. If someone is a gifted musician, then the rest of the family can help backstage, or with other folks kids while rehearsals go on, or with set up, AND simply enjoy and value the gift!

Limit electronics time. Don't let it take over real life - kids should be outside playing, playing games, having creative play - with parents and with siblings and friends. Real life projects, whatever, but not staring at a shiny box.

When friends spend hours on a social net work and complain that they are bored, your child should really be thinking "get a life - get off your butt and do something!". They should not be at loose ends every minute of every day. They should know how to set goals, to work on projects, to experience life!

When parents have to do things around the house or in the community, get the kids involved. If you are building a shed, even the littlest one can hand you nails, the bigger ones can learn the skills to build the entire thing if they do it along with you! If you are baking a pie - get a child involved! They can help you find things, pour them in - even the smallest child! And soon, before you know it, that child knows how to do it and can bless you, themselves and others with their prowess!

Rarely, rarely, rarely separate the family. Make it infrequent that a child or children does many things away from the family. Get involved in their activities. Not to hover, not to protect, but to live life. Don't allow talents and activities to separate the real foundation of our lives - our family. A child who is constantly gone to sleepovers, activities, etc, misses out on the riches of family life. They become not "integral" to the family unit, and really miss out on the learning that they need, and on building relationships. Have friends over to your house, host sleepovers and bonfires, etc.

If a child misbehaves, throws a tantrum, says something mean or hurtful, etc, they have hurt the family unit, even if someone else just overheard it. It hurts and inflicts discomfort on the family. This must be repaid, best through service. If you made us uncomfortable, whatever, then you need to do something kind to the family to repay the pain/discomfort. It brings home that a child's actions afffect more than just them. Kids in society today seem to think that they can blow a gasket and it doesn't hurt anyone. Well, that isn't true.

DO NOT SAY OR DO UNKIND THINGS! Even in play. It isn't funny. Calling names, saying hurtful things, is NOT joking, is not humor. It breaks down relationships, it causes hurt feelings, it separates people. It is so sad to see siblings setting out to hurt each other, or thinking that physical violence (or even inconsiderateness) is acceptable or a joke. It isn't and breaks down the family unit. Who wants to live in that kind of chaos? That should never be heard in the home or in the family unit. It is totally unacceptable and should be treated as such. There is nothing sadder than seeing siblings who don't seem to decide to be kind to each other. That is not respectful, teaches how they will interact with their own families-to-come, is just wrong and parents must not tolerate it. If someone does this, there must be a way to pay back for the misbehavior. Scolding is not enough, kindness must be acted out. Pain must be alleviated. I fully EXPECT my children to be kind and respectful to each other - that is how I want them to treat others and the people we love the most (our family) certainly should be treated better than strangers!!!!! If you hurt someone, you will make it up to them and just the word "sorry" is RARELY enough. Actions carry a message much better.

The worst gifts I can give my children are physical things. The best gifts are the gifts of belonging, being loved, being valued, being needed, being productive, being responsible, being helpful, and being who God has made them to be.

Activities are not the answer, enjoyment and family cohesiveness is. Learning give and take. Learning to treasure each other. Learning appropriate behavior. Learning respect. Learning to be a grown up. Learning that families are the safest place, where we can trust that we are each looking out for each other, that we will treat each other with respect, that we will live in kindness. Activities should involve everyone, not separate the family unit. We can all contribute - I can even contribute to soccer (I am not athletic anymore) by helping the coaches, the other families, entertaining the other younger kids spectators, etc. I can contribute to my husband's and kids' musical gifts by helping backstage, with productions, with set up, with other families, with getting music ready for them (if they ask), by helping to allow us all to enjoy the music, to teach us all to value and respect each other's gifts. Simply by being involved, finding a way for us all to be involved. That teaches respect, value, and love.

Christy

Sad day on the farm

It has been a long couple days since the surprise birth of the baby goat, and at 4AM last night, after a very long night of tending to him, he passed away. Not only was I crushed, but the thought of telling the children and seeing their faces was just heartbreaking. I still don't know how to say it, but I feel like I let everyone down. I didn't do enough, or try hard enough, or did the wrong things. I did everything I knew to do, I don't know what else could have been done. But the feelings are still there. How do we deal with grief, and maybe the major component of the grief is guilt?

Steve just read me a news blog about an artist in Great Britain (forgive me if I get the details wrong) who committed suicide after aborting her eight week old twins. Her note indicated that she died when her babies died, that she didn't want to do it, and that her babies needed her and no one else did. I cannot imagine first of all, why she went through with the abortion, but second of all the extreme guilt when it really comes home to her what she has done. I may have failed the goat, but I didn't actively kill him. I didn't seek to take his life, didn't willingly take life. I may not have done the correct things to save him, but I did not want him gone. And the guilt I feel is over an animal, not children. If I feel like this, then how devastated was this woman?

Once again, there are several victims of abortion - the babies, the mother, and the father. What will it take to make us realize it? Maybe the victims don't always realize it right away, or ever, but they are carrying that weight. That guilt. At this point, I am praying and hoping for another chance at a pregnancy, what a different place to be from that mother. I am constantly watching my body to determine if I may have conceived. Careful about what I am eating, taking all the right vitamins, avoiding whatever I can that might be harmful or questionable for a baby. And I very likely am not pregnant. So right now I have to view it as a gift to myself of better health. And if I do discover that God has blessed us again, then I know that I have done whatever I know how to do.

I look back to the days I considered myself "pro-choice". Though I always said that I would not choose it, I thought that it should be a choice. What a fool I was. Before I even conceived my eldest, my mind had started to change, maybe God once again working on my stubborn heart. And as soon as I saw the double pink lines, my heart was forever changed. That was a baby, my baby and it deserved life more than I did. I had made my choices, the baby had not. It had not made mistakes, willingly done bad things. The baby was the one to be protected in that relationship. How do you go and make that life the villain in the situation? Where in any kind of logic is it the baby's fault? Is it the baby's fault that this pregnancy is an "inconvenience" or "problem"? Or that it will cost more to raise a child or whatever the argument is? Where does that logic fit? If you choose to have sex, protected or unprotected, within or without a relationship, pregnancy is a very likely outcome. Sex creates babies. That is the fact. It might not every time, or most times, but that is the biological purpose of sex. So, if you don't want a baby, don't have sex. Period. Whether or not you use "protection" or not, whether or not you think it is your fertile period or not. That is it. So, if you don't want to be pregnant or for your significant (or not so significant) other to be pregnant, for parenthood, or for choosing to give the baby to another family through adoption, then don't have sex. That is it.

What a strange way to end a blog. Fits with the day. Time to head out to feed chicks and watch for the hay delivery, and to continue to ponder.