The Egg of Hope


January 21, 2019

Let me tell you a story. Because, well, I like telling stories. And like much of what matters to me, it revolves around farm life and life lessons. So, I’m going to introduce you to the Egg of Hope.

My coworkers, were they reading this, would likely be laughing at just the title. Because they have put up with me and my “hopeful eggs” for years. Each year, at approximately the same time, I come in wildly excited about an egg. Yep, an egg. None of them are farm kids or have chickens, so this is quite novel to them. But this egg, in what feels like the dead of winter, is a hallmark of hope and of spring and brings me immense joy and excitement. Let me tell you why…

In the natural order of things, chickens egg production is ruled by the length of daylight. I firmly believe that this is an excellent way that God gave our hens to have a period of rest and renewal. In a typical year, a hen will lay about five eggs a week, not quite one a day, with production peaking in the longest days of the summer. As the year progresses and the days shorten, the production slows down and finally, usually in late November or early December, my chickens stop laying eggs altogether. If you pay attention, production very closely follows the hours of daylight each day. As they shorten, so does the egg production lessen. It makes sense to me. Our birds need to store up energy and fat for winter and conserve their resources. Don’t we all do that? Certainly, I watch my horses do the same as they grow their thick winter coats and pad on a few more pounds as the days get colder.

Well, even though the days remain cold and even get much colder, there comes a day, usually in mid-February, where I find an egg in the nesting box when I tend to the chickens. I don’t really want to embarrass myself, but in all honesty, I spend time in the henhouse thanking the chickens, holding that one pitiful little egg reverently in my palm. My day will be colored with joy and hope, and I tend to make my friends and coworkers crazy as I tell them that I found the first egg of the year. I am sure they think it is a bit nuts to be so excited about one little egg when I can certainly buy an entire dozen at the store at any time. But, this egg is significant, and here is why…

This egg, this first egg, deep in what feels like the middle of winter in our cold Wisconsin climate, tells us that even though we cannot see it, spring is coming.

It tells me that even though I cannot feel it, warmer days are coming.

It tells me that my birds, created by God to follow the seasons in ways that I don’t intuitively do, know that spring is coming and they are getting ready. See, they feel the hope and promise long before I do, long before it is evident.

This egg, this one measly egg, is held in my gloved hand, with a scarf around my neck, heavy coat and boots on, as I am fully geared to deal with the harsh elements. But this miraculous egg tells me that soon the sun will feel warm, I will shed the heavy clothing and be able to see buds on the trees and shoots coming up from my flower beds. I can’t see it yet, and it will still take time, but it is coming and there is actual PROOF.

So, as you walk a dark and difficult season of life, as it seems like it may never end, keep your eyes open for your own egg of hope. It doesn’t mean that this season is over, or that it is less painful, but the truth is that spring is going to come. It will, even if you cannot see it today. My chickens know it, and they foretell it each and every year for me. Hold onto whatever it might be that gives you a moment of hope and comfort. Choose small things that bring you comfort and peace. Each of those little things builds on each other and can help you get through until full spring arrives. Hold onto your faith, even if it is by the tips of your fingers because it will carry you through. The God of creation promises that spring will come. Each spring looks different and may come in with a storm of early March, or it may come in softly like a breath of spring air, but it will come. You do not walk alone, though you may not think you see it.

Just like that first egg promises that an unseen spring is coming, there are small things that will herald your coming spring. I choose to cradle that little, pitiful egg with sheer reverence and keep it in mind as I go about my days in the darkness and cold of winter. Just thinking of it brings me an internal feeling of warmth and hope and carries me through. After 12 years of raising chickens on our little hobby farm, that simple egg every year reminds me that God is always here and every year spring comes. In the darkness of difficult relationships, heartbreak and tragedy, there is at some point a little egg. I am slowly learning to find those little promises and enjoy even the difficult times.

Today is mid-January, and it is bitter, bitter cold here. Today I found an egg. This is early in the season, and likely there will be very few if any, eggs to be found for the next month or so, but after the last few weeks, I was struggling to find any hope. And today, God gave me an egg. That egg is a promise.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Notes from a Night Shift Worker

Life is always an adventure, and in the last year and a half, life had taken on a different turn.  I accepted a position that was sort of a second shift position and then was offered an opportunity to move to third shift.  There are a number of reasons I took it, and it has turned out to be a huge blessing for my husband and myself, but it also entails a huge change in lifestyle.  I have spent an amount of time talking with my coworkers who also are on this shift and I have come to some conclusions.

First of all, yes, I have heard from many that disrupting my circadian rhythm and living this sort of upside-down day may or may not be healthy for me.  Frankly, so is poverty!  LOL.  Just kidding but not exactly.  Honestly, there are generally shift differentials for night shift workers and it can really be worth your while to consider it.  So, I'm not going to exactly discuss the health issues because they may be valid, but I also know that it is possible to do things to care for myself that can mitigate some negatives.

I generally get home from work when my husband's alarm is going off, so we get some time together while he starts his day and I wind down.  This can be a very sweet time together and I cherish it.  I usually am asleep shortly after he leaves for work, and he gets home several hours before I have to leave for work, so we have a nice regular time together, which was a huge improvement over when I worked second shift. 

Sleep is an issue and needs to be guarded.  I now turn off the ringer on the phone most days, as telemarketers and others tend to call throughout the day.  I don't use blackout curtains, but I do dim the room.  Just my preference.  I want to wake up to see the daylight and get that encouragement to get up and going.  I don't seem to have a problem falling asleep in the light, so that is good, but dimming the room does help at times.  Just like the rest of the world, I do occasionally have issues with insomnia and it can easily become just as stressful for a night worker as it is for a day worker.  I have come up with some ways to cope:

• I listen to history documentaries as I try to relax and fall asleep.  It is just enough of interesting background to keep me from obsessing about the fact that I am not asleep and I have X number of hours before I have to get up again and then get a long day of work in.  It works for me.  I have also found some YouTube apps on mediation stories, which does the same for me.  Anything too exciting and I cannot shut down my brain from being very attentive, but without an interesting background and I start listing all the million and one things I could be doing but I need to sleep and what not.  
• I try to not stress about not being asleep.  I try to view it as "found time" and choose something enjoyable like reading a book, taking a bath, doing a little bit of puttering around.  I prefer to do something quiet, which will hopefully help to lead me to sleep, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen.  If I don't sleep, my body must know that I don't need it and I need to trust it.  
• The weekends are strange for me as I try to live life with my family who has a regular life schedule.  I often find that I wake up in the middle of the night and am simply wide awake.  Honestly, five a days a week this time is my most productive time of the day anyway.  So it makes sense that my body thinks that on the weekend as well.  I have found that it is less stressful to simply get up and do tasks that I want to do.  The quiet of the night in the house is a great time to organize my to-do list, to get some tasks done that don't rouse the household, to do writing, to do something until I feel like I am ready to settle into a cozy bed and read again, which generally leads me to sleep.  I also nap rather than try to push completely through or sleep all day, neither of which is ideal.  Some days on Saturday, I come home from work and simply stay up until I need to stop, and then find a two to three-hour nap is huge for letting me get through the rest of the day with my family.  Other Saturdays I come home and go to bed for a few hours, generally two to four, and then get up and do life with my family.  Nothing is idea overall, but it works.  I don't want to keep my weekday schedule as I would miss out on time with my husband, but I also have to accept that there are some compromises.  It works as long as I keep a flexible mindset.  As a matter of fact, as I write this, it is 2AM and I have done paperwork, organized the week's paperwork for filing or dealing with it, cleaned in the kitchen, cleaned the fish tank and am now writing this.  I can feel myself settling down after being up for a couple hours and will head to bed shortly.  
• I try to view sleep over a 24 hour period rather than an 8-hour direct stretch.  Naps can be acceptable for getting my body through life.  It may or may not be ideal, but it is what it is.  
• I have to keep my mind on the fact that this is a lifestyle that works for what I need at this point in my life.  I could not have done this when we had children at home or with different obligations.  But at this point, it works and is worthwhile.  I get daylight to work with my horses, doing my life at home and all those other things that non-night workers do in the evening.  But I get daylight, even in the winter, which is a plus!  LOL.

So, my suggestion if you also live this lifestyle is that you think about what you can do to make it work.  Calming teas are wonderful, helping to get my body cozy and ready for rest, finding things that help me to rest when I need to and keeping my mental mindset on the positive aspects makes a huge difference.  I choose things that make it work for me, and am always looking at what really works or might work better.  

If you love or know someone who works night shifts, I could make some suggestions.  Please feel free to call and invite them places in the times when you know they are generally up.  Please don't avoid them, as it can become very isolating at times since few live this lifestyle.  Remember that they put in their energy work while you are sleeping, so they are going to be sleeping while you are at work.  They aren't "sleeping the day away" or being lazy, it's just that their sleep times are different than yours.  Ask them what they prefer as far as socializing and being active in life and then target those times and things if it works for you as well.  They aren't avoiding you, they are just trying to balance.  In all likelihood, there will be times that they HAVE to do daytime appointments for a variety of things and will go without sleep because of the way life is.  This week I had three appointments in one day, all totally things I could not control or change, and so I got home from work, napped for an hour and a half, went to the first two appointments, went home and went to bed until it was time to get up for the third appointment.  Unfortunately, someone who KNEW that I was going to bed and what my day had been decided to call and confirm another appointment for the next week right in the middle of what could have been my largest chunk of connected sleep.  In the end, I got three hours total of sleep that day and then went to do a full shift that night.  I made it.  It wasn't as awful as it could have been, but then the next day I slept a solid ten hours.  It is what it is.  Now I turn off the ringer on the phone.  It was only frustrating because the person knew what my day was and that I was juggling the little bit of sleep, but they clearly didn't care.  I honestly am considering no longer going to that clinic just because of that alone.  

Overall, night shift is a challenge, but generally compensated so it is a viable choice for some, but it also is a complete lifestyle. I am blessed that my husband is supportive and understanding and watches for when I am pushing too hard.  If we couldn't be flexible with each other we simply would not be able to do it.  

So, I think I will end up talking about this later as I have found little support or information out there for night workers.  

On that note, I'm going to let my big dog in as she has been outside patrolling, make a cup of chamomile tea, and grab my book.  The warm bed sounds relaxing and wonderful finally and I'm looking forward to a lovely day tomorrow!

God bless!

More learning...

My days here stay pretty busy, although some days I wonder.  I am finding that it is really useful to keep a list of what I did during the day because it is easy to discount those things that seem mundane but are so needed.  Especially as a freelance writer.  So much of what I do cannot be seen, unless you visit my laptop.  Many of my projects are longer term for my clients, so it is a lot of chipping away at things.  But they do get done!  And I am busier and busier every week.

If you ever wanted to work from home and look into freelance writing/editing/proofreading, I am here to tell you that it can be done, but it also can be a slow uphill climb.  I read a blog last year that introduced me to Upwork and I am glad that I did.  She gave a lot of good advice, which I have found to be very true.  So, here is my two cents and perhaps so advice if you are interested!

• You start off slowly.  You will pitch proposals for lots of jobs, but as you haven't built a reputation, you need to focus on doing that first.  What that means is that in the beginning, you need to focus on getting some work experience and a track record.
• At first, you get paid peanuts.  Basically, the entry level jobs that you start with as a newbie pay very little.  But each job gives you more hours on the clock, more feedback for other clients, and more experience with the platform and opportunities.  Consider it "paying your dues".  Don't quit your day job and then start this work.  Unless you don't have to worry about income.  Even then, you really need more to do so I would say start doing this as a sideline.
• Plan to ramp it up at every opportunity.  Every job you do helps you get the next one.  Frankly, I have a list of regular clients now, and I am starting to get cautious about adding more as I want to be sure that I can maintain the quality of my work as I improve my income.
• Beware of the scams.  Upwork really works to prevent you from dealing with this, but it does happen.  If you follow the Upwork rules, you will find that they are there for your protection.  And they make it hard for a scammer to take advantage of you.  Do not do any work off the Upwork platform.  When you get someone who wants you to do work and not communicate on Upwork, it is a scam.  When they don't offer you a job - that is an Upwork contract - but want you to do work and promise payment, RUN!  This is a scam.  There are many of them.  I now avoid making a proposal on any job where the client has an unverified payment source.  I don't work for them.  I would reconsider if someone was new and I felt confident, but it is a risk until their payment source is able to be verified.  

This has been on my mind because I have had it happen yet again in the last week.  The scam I mean.  I had an international proposed client who wanted an immense amount of work, in a very short time frame, with not a great payment for the amount of work that he wanted to be done.  It felt fishy in my gut.  With Upwork you can be invited to interview for a job, and that was the process this proposed client and I were working through.  At first, the client needs seemed really straightforward.  And ebook.  Completely original, excellent grammar and spelling and content.  Then he gave the word count and deadline: 17,000 words in 48 hours maximum, preferably 24 hours.

Gasp.  Now, I don't know how much your write.  I write a lot.  A lot.  I am comfortable putting out thousands of words a day, usually on things that require some research and certainly accuracy.  But to put out a scientifically researched 17,000-word ebook to his standards (and mine!) is an entirely different beast from the many short articles I do every day.  It would take at least 48 connected hours to complete the project, maybe less, but certainly, more time than I had available with all my client needs.

I told him that I could not do it in that time frame.  He suggested another day, so 72 hours.  I considered it if we could pick a start day three days away so I could really push and get all my other clients needs to be met in advance.  No, it had to start right that moment.  I indicated that I could start in 24 hours, and I knew I would be putting myself through some hell to get ready at that time, but was considering that I might try.  I told him if we could do that, then he needed to send a job offer over.

Suddenly, he wasn't going to make an offer, he wanted to send an offer for $10 with the rest of the agreed upon amount (which still wasn't a ton) upon completion.  Note to the reader - with Upwork you only get paid upon satisfactory completion of a project, so his request was fishy, to say the least.  And with the contract being written for only that $10, despite the messages about more, according to Upwork rules, he would only be required to pay me the $10 for the entire project and if I accepted the job that is all I would be legally entitled to.  

NO.  Just no.  I had spent an hour or more dickering around with him, getting all the information on the job, making sure that it was something that I felt I could do.  The reward held out to me was that it would lead to consistent ongoing work.  However, my stomach just clenched.  This was wrong.  No way this was real.  So, I told him I simply could not meet his needs, at which point his messages became quite irate and in fact, I contacted Upwork and reported him.  There, finished.  Whew.

And then just last night, he came back again, nearly a week later.  He wants the same job done.  With a full offer, with the full amount.  Okay, send me the written offer and I will take it, however, before I accept, I want to discuss the time period as I have several huge projects that I took on over the last week.  Then he comes back, oh no, he needs this 17,000-word ebook in 24 hours!!!!!  It was already 10 PM our time and I was done for the day.  Nope, cannot have that done.  He proceeded to get irate again.  Sigh.  Done.  Blocked him.

So, note to anyone starting out, if something feels fishy and it would cost you more than the risk of your time is worth, don't do it.  There must always be a contract in place.  Without it, you could submit your hard work and there could be no payment.  Sometimes a gamble is okay, but you have to take a look at what you are gambling.  This was TOO MUCH and frankly, I wasted too much of my time even talking to him.  Never, or nearly never, have contact with a client outside of Upwork.  You have no protection outside of Upwork.  If a client offers something too good to be true, it likely is.

On the other hand, I have had great success building my work life through Upwork, though there are large learning curves and a large need to prove yourself.  After all, this is the internet and you never know what is behind that screen.  Be wise.  If you aspire to this life, I think it can be done.  You will work hard, very hard.  You will need to really work on customer service and learning.  But, it can be done!

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Never stop learning!!!

There are adventures on the homestead, as always.  I have come to realize that this is part of life, and no matter how I try to control it to keep it "just perfect", that this is not part of the plan.

Spring has sprung in Wisconsin, which means MUD!  Yesterday we got a ton of rain, and the horse pastures are deeply mudded in their favorite spots.  Sigh.  We roll our round bales out into the pastures, so we watch the weather report to know when conditions are going to allow us to do that.  We rolled fresh bales right before the rain came, and we are very glad we did, as it is complete MUCK by the gates now.  It is cold again, though 40's and 50's isn't bad for WI.  I'm grateful that we aren't seeing snowflakes!

I am so anxious to start getting into my gardens.  We have expanded my herb garden, and the fences are going up as soon as weather and soil allow.  My blue potatoes from Heirloom Solutions (http://www.heirloomsolutions.com) have arrived and as soon as the garden dries just a little I can get them safely in the ground!  I hope for a good crop.  I also have tons of seedlings on my kitchen counters, taking in the lovely southern exposure, but completely taking over the area.  I am putting in a couple cold frames and hopefully will start to get those moved outside soon.  My winter sowing areas are not quite awakening yet, but I think that should be pretty soon, and I have quite a few plants to start in my winter sowing areas.  To top it off, we are picking up five willow saplings this weekend, to plant down in our wet areas in our pastures.  The plan is that the horses will have shade from the trees as they get bigger.  The area isn't used by the horses, as it is a strip with deep wet, almost a marshy type area.  But the areas they do use will be eventually shaded by the trees, which is good as their pastures are bare of trees at this point.

I have all my dehydrators stored carefully and will be glad to get my herbs drying when they mature.  At this point, almost all are still sleeping or awaiting planting.  I did see that my garlic is coming up, and so are the chives, so I know that spring is coming.  I plan to use garlic scapes in my low-carb cooking for added flavor, which thankfully will also encourage the garlic cloves to grow much larger.  I did see the catnip coming up, and the motherwort.  I have way too much motherwort as it grows wild here, so I am trying to thin that down a little.  That is certainly going to be a battle.  On the upside on another wildcrafting herb out here, the lamb's ear is coming up as well, and since those leaves are better when harvested young, I will be getting out and taking some of that and getting those inside to dry.  I have quite the collection of glass jars to store my dried herbs so my pantry can be well stocked.  The dandelions haven't shown up yet, but that will be the next wildcrafting experience.  I am arguing with myself about making dandelion wine again, as it is a great deal of work, but it is so hard to think about letting a harvest go to waste.  I want to be sure to leave some for the bees, but making dandelion jelly is certainly worthwhile as well!

Our nights are still cold, and the rainy spring days keep us inside more than we would like.  Rainy days are good days for working on the henhouse spring cleaning, as at least that is under shelter, but there is only so much that can be done in there.  So, in addition to all the continuous remodeling on our 130-year-old farmhouse, we have started a new hobby - ceramics!  Honestly, I have always been inspired as my grandmother was a hugely skilled artisan in ceramics.  Hubby and I started going to an area ceramics studio this winter, basically to get out of the house and do something new.  And it has become quite a passion!  We love the creativity, and all the many options available, as well as that there is SO much to learn!  We were just recently blessed with a kiln and some supplies from a dear friend who used to have her own ceramics business.  The more we delve into it, the more we find!  It has been so much fun to work alongside each other, consider all the options, and experiment.  We have so much to learn!  I ran the kiln for the first time this week and it was so exciting.  The hard part was waiting for everything to cool overnight so we could open the kiln and see how things turned out!  It was great!  Now we are experimenting with glazes on the bisque we fired and the wait is now to have enough ready to fire!!!  I will share photos as we get more done.

Here is the nutshell.  Keep learning, keep active.  There are so many interesting things in life, so many different varieties of nearly everything in life.  I know I have a lot of eclectic interests and tend to jump from one to another, but it keeps my mind active.  And a lot of it makes its way into my writing work.  Whether in an article for a client, in my own books, in the ideas that I have stored away for future works, or just into my own blog posts, all experiences come to light.  Whatever catches your interest, go investigate it.  I am going to a Herbs 101 class at an apothecary shop this weekend as well, to expand my knowledge as I get my herb garden into full growth (we were given fencing from friends who took down a pool several years ago, and I have dreamed of using it to make my own enclosed herb garden.  Well, we are putting it all in now, and the garden will be 12 feet by 24 feet, so HUGE!!!!).  When something catches your interest, don't hesitate to jump in a little, take a second look.  The more I learn about something, the more I discover there is to learn!  I think it adds quite the spice to life and hopefully, will keep my heart young!

God bless to all.  Enjoy each and every season!

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I'm back!

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Life is a journey.  Full of ups and downs.  Some journeys through dark places and then some light places.  As always, this blog is about my life, whether anyone but me reads it or not.

Today, today I am a writer.

I have surrendered to this.  It has chased me nearly my entire life.  Hounded me, pestered me, haunted me.

I have a book on Amazon now.

I do freelance writing for clients now.  Regularly.

And I curl up and try to share what is inside my head in my own works.

It is scary.  Who really wants to lay their soul bare and let it be scrutinized?  But there is beauty there.  There is also ugliness.  There is also lessons learned, or to be learned.  Joys to share fears to uncover and release their power.

I want to encourage anyone out there to go for your dreams.  I spent so many years with my soul tied up in a wasteland because I was scared.  I settled for jobs that ate my soul.  They may have helped to pay the bills, but they ate me alive.  Inside, there was so much wanting to come out and it was shriveling up and dying.

Look in your soul.  What brings you joy?  What is your passion?  What are your values?

These are the things you need to cultivate.  Don't shut your soul away any longer.  You can do it.  If you don't strive for it, you will wither away from who you truly were created by God to be.

Balance yourself.  You can do it.  God does not want you to go through life without being who He really designed you to be.  Not that prosperity is involved, this is not prosperity gospel stuff.  But God has given you gifts, your own gifts.  Your own bents.  He created YOU, with all your unique qualities, to be YOU.  He only made one of you.  He made you on purpose.  Yes, there are basic responsibilities we all have, basic bills and what not.  You have to find a balance.  But you have to pursue who God has created you to be.

I don't know if the steps I have taken recently were out of desperation or a giant leap of faith.  But I sure took a leap.  I'm going to lay it on the line.  This is a journey, a part of my journey.  I' very certain that there are many bumps in the journey.  I am certain that it will not be without challenges, and right now, the challenges can seem insurmountable.  But, but this time, I am throwing all I have into it.  I have dreamt of this place in life.  My homestead, my computer, pens and paper and pouring my soul and imagination out.  It has pursued me for so long.

Please, step up to who you are created to be.  Look at what God has created within you, you are a beloved child, you are a unique and wonderful creation.  Embrace that.  Search it out.  Be you.  There is only one you, and you are needed.  Just as you are.

HAPPY New Year!!!!!

Happy New Year.

It is.

I am happy.

In the midst of what should be the darkest, it isn't the darkest, because there is a lot going on and a lot I have learned and I also am not alone.

And I am thankful.

I have peace.  Real peace.  It has been hard fought.  And some days are much better than others.  But I know WHO I trust in and WHO I thank.  God is good.  On good days, God is good.  On bad days, God is good.  In the night, God is good.  In the day, God is good.  In the storm, God is good.  In the sunshine, God is good.

I could list all the losses and all the pain.  Today I am estranged from most (NOT ALL) of my family.  I am literally sitting in jail.  I don't know what the future will hold (and I am someone who always wants a plan).  I don't know if we will be able to save our home.

BUT...
God is there.  He has given me the greatest treasure in my husband, a treasure I may not deserve, but I will spend the rest of my life working to be sure he knows that I am very blessed to be walking through life with him.  I have peace in my heart, for the first time in a long time.  I have a lot to learn in walking that road, but I am also letting go of what does not bring me peace.  I am learning to walk in that peace.  I know that God loves me, that He has forgiven me, I know that His grace and mercy is new every day.  I know that in each day, in each circumstance, there is something to be grateful.  I can honestly say - I am learning this and at times learning it the hard way, but seeing it better and better each day.  I know that I will never be perfect and it is time to stop striving for that, holding myself to a standard that cannot be accomplished.  God created me, He knows the flaws I carry, and HE can USE those flaws.  I never understood that.  I know He knows that He and I are always working on me, but even so, HE is able to use those flaws for His good.  I have learned to trust in that.  That alone is a scary thing.  I know that He does have plans for us, and if we will allow Him, He will work with us.  I will forever be the clay, under construction, flawed.  But, I am still breathing, which means I still have life and purpose.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who does.  I will rest in that, and remember to enjoy every second He gives me in every circumstance He gives me.  I hope to shine His light in my very imperfect life, to reflect glimmers of Him in my brokenness.  It is all a mystery to me, but it is a Holy Mystery - this life.  I am saved, I am a daughter of the High King.  And each person I meet and interact with is also a Child of the King, whether they know it or not.  They are precious children of the King of Heaven, and we must treat all as such.  We live among princes and princesses of the King, no matter in what guise.

I am thankful for the New Year.  For so much.  For friends, for family, for my greatest love, for productive work, for a warm bed, for days to come.  God is good.  All the time.  No matter where we lay our head tonight.  God's blessings!



"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

God's hand in darkness...

Hope in Front of Me

Even in the midst, even when I don't believe, You are there and holding me.  In the storm, You are there.  When I feel all is lost, when I am so bereft, so angry, so hopeless, You are still holding me and secure on Your throne.

Broken Hallelujah
Much of the time, I wonder if I have anything left of value for my King, for His Kingdom, any gifts to give.  But even in my desperate brokeness, He loves me.  As Job said, "I will not curse God".  I won't.  I will praise Him, even in my fear and pain, and try to hold onto that He will use even this disaster for HIS GLORY.  I will admit to holding on my threads at times, to not even being sure that I am still holding on, but praying for Him to hold me when I cannot.

With Every Act of Love
Could I ask for prayers for a woman I have met, who is struggling to find a way in her life, a faith and hope in her broken life, freedom from addiction and fear and depression.  Soon she will be out of the confining spaces that give her the boundaries to work through her demons, and will need to do it on her own.  She has a new faith, and is trying so hard.  Pray for a strong faith support, a church family, and accepting people to help her walk this long road of recovery.  We are reading the Bible each day, encouraging each other to keep at it, discussing bits and pieces.  In so many ways, I am so inadequate to speak God's word into her heart, she has faced things that make me feel like a complete naive woman.  So much I know nothing about (and really don't want to, thank the Lord), how do I speak hope to that pain?  Please pray for her. 

Wait for a Miracle

Danny Gokey's testimony
I listened to this and just sobbed.  He spoke so clearly and completely about coming through his darkness, and I can so relate.  I have spent a great deal of time with grief, with railing at God, with wanting to simply die to escape the pain.  To hear it in someone else's voice and words spoke balm and healing.  I agree with letting go, letting go of the toxicity and the need to understand.  He speaks very well on this, and better than I could.  It is hard, oh so hard.  Especially for someone, like him and I, who have grown up in the faith, who have attempted in our very imperfect ways to follow the Lord, with errors and sins, but striving, to let go of what we cannot yet see.  We may never see it this side of  heaven, but I so hope that God can somehow use me for His good at some point.  This is darkness I walk through.  I have come through so far, even when I didn't want to.  God always had someone there to keep me going.  And at times, maybe it was simply the warm fuzzy body of my dog.  But that was also God holding me.  I can clearly say, that I am not out of my valley, and some days despair threatens to overwhelm.  But if all I have is to give God every breath and what little I have to others, then that is what I must do.  Long ago, when I agreed to follow God, and with each challenge turned it over to Him, accepting what sacrifice might be needed to fulfill His will, THIS, in my life, was never even a breath of a thought that crossed my mind.  I promised to go where He sent me.  THIS is most certainly NOT where I wanted to go, or what I thought it might be.  But, I have to trust that somehow this is His Hand, still in control to use all our failings and pain.  I recall Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane asking that if "this cup to pass from me", but with the next breath accepting it if it was God's will.  If even Jesus asked that this hardship be taken from Him, then most certainly we can also.  But in the next breath, to accept God's will.  That is truly the hard part, and we are human and very very fallible.

It is Well With My Soul
This hymn was written after traumatic events in Horatio G. Spafford's life. The first was the 1871 Great Chicago Fire which ruined him financially (he had been a successful lawyer and had invested significantly in property in the area of Chicago which was decimated by the great fire). His business interests were further hit by the economic downturn of 1873 at which time he had planned to travel to Europe with his family on the SS Ville du Havre. In a late change of plan, he sent the family ahead while he was delayed on business concerning zoning problems following the Great Chicago Fire. While crossing the Atlantic, the ship sank rapidly after a collision with a sea vessel, the Loch Earn, and all four of Spafford's daughters died. His wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, "Saved alone . . .". Shortly afterwards, as Spafford traveled to meet his grieving wife, he was inspired to write the words to the now famous hymn as his ship passed near where his daughters had died.

Desert Song
This was a song that I was introduced to following our Sammy's death, in the midst of my profound grief and despair, the voices and musical skills of several of my beloveds presented it at a church service.  Out of the fog of that time, that song spoke to me so heavily and became my anthem at that time.  In my pain and confusion, it was a strength, and to have heard it for the first time from those loved ones spoke so profoundly, God truly used them as a balm to my hurting heart.  I find it is also quite appropriate now.  I wish I could keep all this music going around me 24/7 as it is so healing and strengthening, but I am finding that it persists in my mind and heart and I can more easily turn to it for comfort and connection even when I cannot hear it audibly.  Ah, I so wish I had a voice worthy of singing it!!  LOL.  I only do that when I am alone.  Kindness to others and all, ya know?


"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11